four months feels like a lifetime.

The past four months have felt so fast and yet so slow at the same time.  About 2 months ago, I wrote a letter to my dad. I obviously know that he won't ever hear or read it but it felt so nice to be able to say the things I wanted to. Ben really encouraged me to write the letter because I wanted to talk to my dad so badly. I read it again yesterday and just cried and cried in Ben's arms.

I told Ben it just hurts so much because I want to talk about it. I told him a story about how my friend at work, Jennifer, talks to me about my dad whenever I mention it. It is so completely refreshing to have someone who stays with you and talks with you instead of running away from the topic or simply avoiding the hardness. Ben is so good about this too. He is so completely content with staying with me in the sad place. He offers encouragement and he listens. He doesn't avoid. I avoid it enough! Ben told me that he knows that when I do talk about it, that it means I really want/need to talk about it. It's true. Usually if I bring something up, it's because I want to talk about the good memories I have. I am really thankful for the friend I've found in Jennifer. Jesus has brought me this friend. Even though she hasn't walked through much of life with me, she is ready to be there.

I've found that people are so ready to be there through instagram or facebook or twitter but when it comes to real life and real issues and messy things, they don't want it. They want the highlight real. They want the good stuff. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE THE GOOD STUFF!!! But I have just really thought about this lately. I think about how I am like this too sometimes. How silly and selfish it is. I want to be there for people. I want to be IN their life so I experience the joy or sadness. I want to be the type of friend Jesus was.

Speaking of Jesus, I was reading Luke 7 this morning. It talks about this woman and how she just wept, kissed and anointed His feet with perfume. I started crying with the image in my mind. Of Jesus' sweet face looking down on her. The forgiveness and love in His eyes and heart for her. I mean can you imagine how that woman felt? Ah! At church yesterday, everyone put a red dot on their phone to symbolize how Jesus says, "You belong." The same Jesus that looked upon that woman crying at Jesus' feet, is with me every moment of the day. He looks at me the same way as that woman. The look that tells me I am worthy of His love and acceptance. You are worthy too. You belong in His family just like me.

All this to say, I have felt hurt lately because I've kept so much of my grief inside. Despite the fact that I've not gotten to talk about the grief much, He's seen my grief and He heard my cries yesterday and today. I cry to Him and He understands. I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful that He is never afraid to deal with the mess. He wants me whole :)

"Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. 

If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. 

We love each other because he loved us first."

1 John 4:18-19