Being a stay at home mom has given me a ton of time to think. This can be very good and very bad ;) One good thing that I've thought a lot about is that I haven't written down our story of how Ben and I met, became friends, dated and got married. I love thinking about our story because I freaking love my husband and it is funny the way that WE began. Our story begins like most couples. Two people (who were very different) met and became friends. I'll walk you through it.

It was April of my Sophomore year at Baylor. My Sophomore year was my most extroverted year, I think. I did everything I could with my sorority, got together with friends/roommates/neighbors ALL THE TIME and really, I don't recall studying...ever. Sorry Mom and Dad. Well we get to the week of Dia Del Oso and that day I was mega thriving. Rollerblading everywhere, seeing all my friends, snow cones...you get the picture. The day after Dia is when I met Ben. Cue chorus of angels singing ahhh!

Me and my roomie Anna were planning on hanging out with our friend Grant who was a Senior at the time. We knew he was inviting one of his friends that he hung out with a bunch but we didn't know who he was. OoOoOoO oLdEr GuYs. Our plans were to go to a movie and then to a dance party outside at the Dr. Pepper museum. We had to pick up Grant's friend because he didn't have a car. We rode in Anna's car to LL Sams and picked up BEN in the parking lot. He walked up to the car with fluffy hair, cut off corduroys (I found out later he calls these "corts," like corduroy-shorts lol), Chacos, and a China Spring (a local high school) volleyball shirt. We drove to the Dollar General to pick up some candy before our movie, How to Train Your Dragon.


After the movie, we went to the dance party and this is when the fun REALLY started. That particular dance party ended up being a pillow fight and there were feathers everywhere. We danced forever, it seemed. Anna and I had gone to dance parties before and let's just say we let loose on the floor. We were craaaaazy weird dancers. While we were at the dance party, I began to notice Ben. In the midst of my crazy dancing, I noticed that he was really keeping up with us. He might have been an even crazier dancer than me! All 4 of us danced so much and sweat even more. We left and went back to our duplex since Grant's car was there. All of us went upstairs and were just talking and having
fun. I sat on the back of our blue leather couch (lol) and accidentally flipped backwards onto the glass coffee table and knocked off the incense oil thing that was there. Everyone was cracking up at me including myself but it was actually pretty painful!

Eventually Ben and Grant went home and I was left to thinking. My first impressions of Ben were that he had big hair, was a hilarious dancer and had oddly nerdy cute style. I really kinda loved the fact that he didn't care what people thought about what he wore or how he danced or which movies he liked. I am a CLASSIC people pleaser and so this quality immediately caught my attention. I also loved that he had this quiet peace about him. There was just something mysterious about this Ben Belz person. I never really had a friend like Ben. Someone so quiet and reserved, or so I thought at the time. All these first impressions caught my eye and I wanted to find out more.


I just texted Ben and he said his first impression of me was: "You were beautiful and funny and fun and just goofy/weird enough to handle my extreme weirdness. And especially after getting to hang out with you a couple times, I knew there was something special about you that I just wanted to be around more and more."

ALL THE HEART EYES. More on the next part of our story later... :)

judah kirk belz

Judah's Birth Story

I never thought I would write a birth story but here I am. Also I haven't updated my blog in so long, but YES we got pregnant and had a baby!!! Praise Jesus!!! I should tell you before I tell you our birth story that I have lots of maybe TMI details so if you're not into that sorta stuff, skip this post ;)

We waited for Judah for what felt like FOREVER. My doctor had told me that he would most likely come by my due date so we were ready in those last couple weeks. His due date came and went and at our doctor appointment the next week, we scheduled an induction for Friday which was 41 weeks. It helped me know there was an end in sight. My bestie Lauren came over that Thursday and we hung out all morning just talking. I felt kinda nauseous that morning and texted my friend Melissa about it too. I had a couple things happen that were "early labor signs" before and that day so I wasn't too concerned. I did feel different though, the nausea was new. When Lauren and I went to chick fil a for lunch, I didn't finish my meal which was a little abnormal considering I was super hungry and almost 41 weeks pregnant. When we got home, Lauren left and immediately after that I got SO SICK. My body was like, HA! GOODBYE CHICK FIL A. both. ends. I kid you not. My stomach was in a lot of pain and I thought OH YAY LABOR! But it kept getting worse and the pain increased as I was curled in a ball on our bed. I texted Ben and told him he needed to come home because I knew something was actually wrong and I was getting dehydrated (obviously bad but especially bad when pregnant!).

When Ben got home, I started vomiting non stop. I kid you not it has been a decade since I threw up! Before I vomited, Ben was trying to get me to drink water and I was crying because I didn't want to since I felt so awful. I thought he was so mean for trying to get me to drink water lol. When the vomit started, Ben went into go-mode. I've never seen him move that fast. He cleaned up the house and put everything into the car. We decided I was definitely dehydrated and called the hospital to tell them I'm coming. I told Ben, "GET ME THERE FAST." He said, "I've been training for this my whole life!!" LOL yeah right because he is the safest driver ever. But he drove very fast and there was zero traffic PRAISE JESUS!!! We got there in under 20 min, only possible by flying on angels wings hehe. The whole drive I felt awful and now know I was having contractions. Side bar: people said I would know when I had contractions and that was FALSE and I wanted to say "shove it" to them before I went into labor ;)

We got to hospital and went to triage. They got us in and checked my vitals. Meanwhile, still vomiting and having diarrhea. I was indeed dehydrated and they told me they thought I had a virus. How CONVENIENT!! They hooked me up to all the things and started IV fluids. They decided to keep me overnight so I didn't have to come back in the morning to be induced.

We got to our labor & delivery room and got settled. I started to feel worse and worse as my contractions got more intense and closer together. Our nurse checked me and I wasn't dilating much so they decided to start me on Pitocin earlier than our 5am induction time. I asked if I could shower before that since I still had vomit in my hair ;) After showering, they got Pitocin and Penicillin started (I had tested positive for group B strep). Meanwhile, I was still having the virus symptoms and having to walk to the bathroom with all my cords and IV pole every 2 minutes. I started to have pretty painful contractions 1 minute apart but when they checked me, I wasn't much further dilated. I told the nurse I wanted an epidural around 3am. I knew I wouldn't be able to contract every minute and still be going to the bathroom so much all night long. Stomach virus + labor = NOT FUN.

Okay here is where it gets good. After my epidural I finally got relief from my virus symptoms PTL!! EPIDURALS ARE FROM JESUS. I LOVE THEM AND I LOVE ANESTHESIOLOGISTS AND NURSES AND ALL THINGS. I felt amazing and so peaceful. Got some rest and they kept increasing my Pitocin as the morning went on. I developed a fever during labor (thanks stomach virus) so they had to give me medicine for that and would watch closely during the rest of labor. They checked my cervix about every hour to see how dilated I was. At one point I went from a 5 to a 9 and they told me I was going to start pushing soon. WHAT, YAY!!

My doctor came in and told me it would probably take me about 2 hours to push, so get ready! (Side note- we LOVE our doctor. Holy moly we love him so much and I hope every baby we have can be delivered by him!!! He is the BEST!) I started pushing around 2:15pm and it was great. Like, I love pushing. We had a lovely convo with our nurse the whole time about Nintendo (Ben's doing) and other meaningless things that I cannot recall :) After pushing for 30 minutes, our doctor came in again and said that Judah would be here in about 20-30 minutes. Again I was shocked, what!! Ben was doing a great job counting me down with pushing and fanning me with the room service menu haha.

I pushed and pushed and Judah was born at 3:14pm ❤️ Cue the tears!!! They put him on my chest and Ben and I just stared at each other with tears in our eyes. I kid you not, time stood still in that moment. I will never forget Ben's face!

The nurses weighed and measured Judah. He was 9 lbs 4 oz, 21 inches long. Our big boy!!! Everyone was so surprised and so were we. My Doctor made me feel like a superstar that I pushed out that big of a baby in an hour. I felt proud and still do :) Shortly after the initial things with Judah, they told us his blood sugar was low and that they would have to monitor it. If it didn't go up, he would have to go to NICU. I was feeling very emotional about this. Just the word "NICU" terrified me.

My mom came in to our room about an hour and a half after Judah was born. We then were transferred to a postpartum room. Judah ate so much immediately but his blood sugars never went up. He was admitted to the NICU a few hours after birth and we were so sad. It was really really hard to not be able to have him in our room ever. Ben went to watch them take Judah to the NICU and said it was super hard to watch. I got to go visit him around 11pm that night. It was very emotional to see our newborn with all those wires hooked up to him. You never want to see your baby like that! We felt so peaceful about his safety and care in the NICU though. We knew he was getting just what he needed.

Judah stayed in the NICU while we were in post partum. The nurses gave me a stool softener after labor which started up my virus symptoms again :( It was challenging with recovery and my virus to get over to the NICU every time we were able to feed him but I'm so thankful for that time too. Ben and I were discharged on Sunday and Judah was able to come home with us on Monday!! He was a champ the whole NICU stay and we always had good reports and improvements on his blood sugars.

We are SO THANKFUL for our son, Judah Kirk Belz. He has been an answer to prayer. Before he was born, we prayed he would be a good eater & sleeper and be a boy of peace. He is all that and MORE! Jesus is so faithful! We are so blessed to be his parents. I have wanted to be a mom for forever and I'm so thankful for this privilege to stay home with Judah every day. Ben is the greatest and most present father/husband. I have never felt more like a team with Ben than now! We are unstoppable!!! I am the most blessed woman to be a wife to Ben and a mom to Judah (and Fenway puppy!). Thank you Jesus!!

PS- Also if you made it this far, you are a superhero.

goodbye 2016, hello 2017!

Today I sat down and journaled about by 2016 year. I always intend to do this but it never happens before the year is over. I was spurred on by one of my best friends who did the same thing today as well. This is what friends are for!!!

I feel so completely encouraged and I feel like I need to share what I wrote with you....

Jesus, what do you have for me next year in 2017? I keep hearing "joy." Wow I would love that. I feel like my greatest joy would be to become pregnant with our baby and carry him/her full-term. Yes, Lord! Please bring that to pass. As I think about 2016, I think of pain and "limbo" feelings. Yuck. Grief of losing our baby, Praise, and limbo of waiting every day of every month to see if I'm pregnant. You know the desire of my heart is to be a mom. I want to be a joyful and happy mom! Yes, yes, yes!

I also see good in 2016 though. You gave us a house. Not just any house. Right where we wanted to live. The perfect size. You provided a way for us to put a lot down. Thank you Lord! You got me into FREE counseling during a hard season. I learned more about myself and how to be more healthy. You helped me process things relationally and I've been able to talk about hard things more easily. You sent us fully funded to Germany. We learned more about others and in turn, more about you and your heart/character. This year I've wrestled with if you want good things for me. I've tasted more of your Father heart towards me. You made me rest fully all summer. Psalm 23 came to life for me. You've given babies to so many friends who have longed for them. You renewed my love for reading fun YA books. You let me really scale back on lettering. Early 2016 you gave me abundant lettering opportunities. You let me dream about possibilities in the future and realize what I really want. You brought new relationships to my loved ones. You gave me a deeper friendship with best friends. You helped me say no to people and yes to others. You gave us a church and helped me be brave to volunteer. You gave me a year of learning how to better communicate and love Ben. Thank you for the gift of him and his love.

I keep hearing "joy" & "gratitude" and those will be my 2017 focus. I want to look at the good always and say thanks always. Focus on the great qualities my family/friends have instead of what they and I lack. Yes! Joy in you.

This year I want to memorize Psalm 100:1-5 in the Passion Translation:
¹Lift up a great shout of joy to the Lord!
Go ahead and do it—
Everyone, everywhere!
²As you serve Him bring your gift of laughter
And be glad as you worship Him!
Sing your way into His presence with joy!
³Try to realize what this really means—
We have the privilege of worshipping the Lord, our God!
He is our Creator,
And now we belong to Him!
We are the people of His pleasure!
⁴Come right into His presence with thanksgiving!
You can pass through His open gates,
With the password of praise!
Come bring your thank offering to Him
And affectionately bless His beautiful Name!
⁵For the Lord is always good
And ready to receive you.
He’s so loving that it will amaze you;
So kind that it will astound you!
And He is so famous for His faithfulness toward all!
Everyone knows our God can be trusted,
For He keeps His promises to every generation!

I am so excited for 2017 and I'm so thankful for 2016. I'm thankful we end every year with two of the best holidays ever. And the music that comes along with it. How Jesus is the thrill of hope, the weary KAMBLY rejoices!!! 

Ben and I have decided to not really do New Years Resolutions this year as much but to focus on our "Jerichos" that we will sow into with prayer. We are going to walk around and blowing our horns of scripture and Truth and hope and faith until we see breakthrough! One of my friends gave me this image last time I posted about our fertility journey and we just LOVE it. I'm so thankful!!! I can't wait to march all year long and see God's promises fulfilled!!! 

What a year 2016 was. I can't wait to see what 2017 holds. I almost forgot that another one of my friends felt like this next year was going to be a year of JOY....CAN'T WAIT!

I didn't know.

Dear Ben,

I love the way that you love me. Seriously. You just make loving me look easy, which I appreciate because I know it's probably not. I feel like the Christmas season reminds me of our story so much. The beginning of our story, that is. And I'm just so thankful you never gave up on me.

Thanks for taking me to Salado on that date 6 years ago. I remember we walked the streets and held hands and later you asked me to be your girlfriend.  I didn't know then that I was saying yes to the man who would let me take his beanie because mine is gone. I didn't know I was saying yes to the man that would get a fluffy white dog with me and live in a tiny apartment.

You're the smartest guy I know. You make me ramen when I'm sick. You hold my hand at fertility appointments and cry with me when things hurt. You support my ever changing obsessions and it's currently young adult novels. You bought a house with me and hung lights all over it for Christmas just for me!!! You caught me a snorlax on the way home from work. You put ice cubes in my milk because you know I like it COLD. You sing my made-up songs about all the things.

I didn't know I was saying yes to the man that would help my dad go to the bathroom so I didn't have to see that. But I DID know I would marry you when you did, and I've never looked back.

You're the best yes. 

I love you!

hello + update

I updated my blog! It's been forever since I've written and today I kept thinking about writing. I don't know what God is doing right now but it seems that in hard seasons, He wants me to write. So here I go.

Gosh so much has happened the past few years. I used to write in this space a ton and it helped me process the grief during my Dad's journey through ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease). You can read more about that in my previous posts. I honestly haven't even looked at my past posts but be forewarned that I started this blog while in college so who knows ;)

Today, I've felt the nudging to write about our current season. Oh how I wish we weren't here. It feels really vulnerable and like I'm opening my heart to everyone. But I guess it is. There's risk in vulnerability and I'm willing to risk. You'll need a little background to understand. About a year ago, Ben and I wrote a lot of hopes, dreams and prayers onto a rubber ducky that we put in the shower. We prayed for the things on the rubber ducky every day when we saw it in the shower. One of the things on the duck is "future family." We were in no way ready to have a baby and we were both very adamant about not wanting kids anytime soon. But God. He has a way of changing people's minds and as we started to pray for all these hopes and dreams, He changed our hearts. Ben and I had a conversation one day and I told him I was ready to start trying to have a baby and Ben told me he felt the same. We decided to start trying after we bought a house. Jesus worked in an incredible way and provided finances for us to put a significant amount of money down on a house and we moved in at the beginning of March.

We heard Jesus tell us to start trying right before that. I remember when we bought prenatal vitamins, we were SO EXCITED and I was dancing down the Target aisle. I felt like Jesus told me I was going to get pregnant right away but I was so fearful that something would be wrong blah blah blah. Ben is the ever optimist and thank the Lord for that!!! We took a test on Mother's Day and found out I was pregnant! I think I took like 5 tests that day and we told both our families :) When we went to the doctor, they told us the test came back negative. Cue all my fears coming to reality. I was terrified. TERRIFIED. And so confused. The next week I kept having to get my blood drawn and at the end of the week, the doctor told us that we would miscarry. I did and we were so sad. We named our baby Praise and there is something incredibly bittersweet that my Dad got to meet our baby before we did in Heaven.

The next few months were spent "trying" and every month of disappointment felt so grievous. I know grief but this type of grief is completely different. It's like all the stages every month and it is THE WORST. Side note: I know we haven't been trying that long according to the doctor or others who have walked this journey much longer than us. I can't imagine how it feels for those who have spent years longing for a baby. 

Well I switched doctors and got into one of the best in Austin (THANK YOU JESUS). At my appointment it took him 2 seconds to tell me I have cysts all over my ovaries. Cool. He put me on birth control and a fertility medication. The first round failed. Now we are on the 2nd round.

I never thought I would be here. Every time someone would ask me what I wanted to do when I grew up I would say, "I want to be a mom." Every. Single. Time. Even in college. So you can imagine how devastating it feels to have to go to a doctor and be handed a packet about Infertility. I feel like my hope has been deferred for so long and it feels completely unfair. It hurts when people tell me we haven't been trying for that long because it FEELS LIKE A REALLY LONG TIME. I know I know that in the grand scheme of life, it's not.

To be honest, I've really felt distant from Jesus in this season. I told Ben that I feel like I can't trust him with the desires of my heart because all the BIG things I've prayed for haven't been answered with "yes." I was thinking of my Dad being healed, our baby Praise living, Ben being healed from diabetes etc.

Then I had the thought, that's a lie. Jesus showed me the big things that have been answered YES to: marrying the greatest man IN THE WORLD, my heart being healed from brokenness, having best friends like sisters, restored relationship with my mom, finances for a house, my family being freed from debt, addiction broken for a family member, the perfect dog for us...and so on. He showed me that He is faithful in the big. He is. He told me it's okay to feel so broken right now and to still feel a little broken from the grief of my Daddy.

This is who I am right now. I'm hurting. And I really think it's okay to not have a big silver lining. I've read about Abraham and Sarah over and over and I know our time will come because I know that Jesus created me to be a Mom. But right now, it's really hard and it's really painful. I'm glad that I feel deeply because I know that when we have our own baby in our arms, it will all be worth it and we will be that much more grateful for the life He gave us.

We know He's in the waiting and I'm working on letting Him reveal all the places He is there during this season.

don't give up.

Never give up is what my family's motto has always been. Never give up is what my mom and dad always used to tell me.

When I was in middle school, I remember that I decided to play volleyball. I'm not sure why, because no one in our family was particularly skilled at this sport and I certainly wasn't. All my friends were playing so I decided to as well. One day, my dad was trying to practice "bumping" the ball back and forth and I sucked SO bad. Gosh, I was terrible. My Dad was getting visibly frustrated. I remember thinking, "Oh great. I knew I was bad. I knew it." Coming from a family of 3 brothers who are all exceptionally skilled at baseball, I was so ashamed to be so bad at something that should be easy for me! It has a ball! I have hand-eye coordination! Why wasn't this working!? But my Dad would NOT let me give up. When I started to cry because I felt so terrible, he told me, "Kam, you're going to get better. Keep practicing. Never give up!!"

I was thinking about that today because I have been in a serious funk. It's caused me to have a storm of thoughts and emotions constantly bombarding my mind and making me feel like crap. "Never Give Up!" But what if I want to? What if I feel there are no other options? What if it hurts so much to keep going and to not give up?

There are things that I wish I could talk to my Dad about. I wish he could talk to me about my questions. I wish he was here and could tell me how he got through the pain he went through and the bankruptcy and the heartache. I wish he could tell me to never give up, one more time.

It doesn't haunt me consistently like it used to, to think about my Dad. I picture my mind is like a fortified castle. When a thought penetrates my mind's outer walls about my Dad, I assess the threat. Is it a good thought? A good memory? Will this memory cause me pain? Will I cry and will my heart ache? Most of the time, I don't let the thought get too far. I don't let it really sink in. Because there are 16 other people around me and I can't cry to them and tell them I don't know why my Dad isn't here anymore. I don't know why. But sometimes, I do let the thoughts get through the outer walls and they do crush me for a time. It's okay, I know, but it hurts so badly and I don't like it. I hate that people don't have the words. I understand, but it sucks. I hate that I don't know why my Dad wasn't healed when I asked Jesus persistently.

I don't know how to explain the feelings I feel when I really think about how there are so many things I don't understand. I have asked Jesus . He reminds me that He's good. That it's His character to heal and it's His character to save and it's His character to bind up the wounds. I know that He's still good. I'm so thankful that my Dad showed me a glimpse of the Father heart of God.

Tonight, I imagine my Abba Father. He's holding my hand. He's telling me not to give up. He's telling me that it's okay to have funky seasons that don't feel right. He's telling me to keep going. Patience and waiting are refining me. He's telling me that I'm becoming more beautiful even though I don't think so. Anxiety will not win. Don't give up on the fight. You're not alone.

the last time I saw him.

the last time I saw my dad was the day before he died. I was home for almost a week in round rock. driving back and forth from my parent's house to the Christopher House in east austin. I really hated that place. seemed like a place that people went and didn't leave. at this point, my dad couldn't talk really. it's so hard to remember. i've been trying to go back in my mind lately to remember things that are so painful that it hurts. but I feel like it's necessary and it helps to write out.

dad was in so much pain. I can't even imagine. when I get a migraine and feel like I'm going to just collapse in pain, I think about the pain my dad lived through for almost 4 years. it literally makes my heart break. not necessary to dwell on. moving on.

dad was in the Christopher House for a little less than a week. it's basically a hospice place. he barely ate anything. I can't even remember if he did. he was so frail. so so thin. I can't remember why, but they said that dad could go home. I think he was sick and had gotten better. we thought, at least I thought, that he was on the mend. when we got home, he wouldn't eat but he drank coke. I got to feed him coke and it gave me so much joy because he wouldn't ever drink it while he was sick.

the night I left, I was reading God of the Impossible by Susan Peters (really recommend), to my dad. there is a part in the book that has healing scriptures and I just kept reading them to my dad. after that, I asked dad if I could worship with him. I sang mainly since he couldn't. he was laughing at my voice I think :) I remember I didn't want to leave that night but felt like I should to be home in waco. I don't know why. an emotional break I suppose. I left thursday night. he died in the night on friday.

I never thought he would die from that crappy disease. I really believed he wouldn't. when my mom called me in the middle of the night, I just ached. the worst pain in the world is getting that call in the middle of the night. packing for a funeral. packing clothes that your dad will never see again.

it's so hard to think about the painful parts of my dad's death. really most of them are painful because I miss him so much. but I think that right now is the first time that I realized that the last moments I had with my dad, were in worship. in church the other day, the pastor was saying that everyone remembers the last words that you have with a person you loved that has died. I don't remember the last words my dad ever physically spoke to me. but I do remember that our last moments together were worshipping Jesus. I hope that I can leave a legacy like that.

I miss him so much. no one will ever replace my daddy. now he's doing exactly what he probably left earth doing. his last breath here on earth was his first breath with Jesus and eternal life and freedom from pain.

I love you daddy and I miss you so incredibly much.
you're little girl forever,
kam

dearest lauren.

dear lauren,

working with you is probably the best thing ever. there is just something about doing something hard and good along with a bestest friend. I think it's pretty cool we get to do that. 

I remember when we used to share stories of teaching before we worked together and they never seemed real to either of us. now it feels like we both live in what we are saying. 

I think you are the best teacher in the whole world. I know what you're thinking right now, YES YOU ARE! you cry when your littles cry, you ache when they ache, and you love them like Jesus. you teach them things that are essential. you teach them things that are funny. how do I know? because I have some of them in my class now :) you pour out your life to the kindergartners in your class. and I am forever grateful for that. 

sometimes you leave me notes in my classroom like little verses or encouraging words. you must know that is my love language or something ;) you're really good at that. loving people where they're at and how they need it. I see it every day. 

I guess the thing I'm so grateful for is that I get to see you every day. that's pretty special in this stage of life. it's just so nice that I can come cry to you or laugh with you at any point during the day. you get me. 

today someone pointed out how we have stayed friends since we met at the school we now work at. when they pointed that out, millions of memories flooded my mind: your old lakehouse, sharing groceries in college, being in each other's weddings, sitting next to each other on the first day of 6th grade, sharing clothes, trips together, and sleepovers. probably my most meaningful memory of you that came to mind also breaks my heart. I'm sure you know. it's when you came to the christopher house the week before dad died and just sat with us. you were so sweet to dad, even though he couldn't talk. it makes me cry to think about your incredible heart. I don't want to bring up something sad, but I think that moment really made a mark on me. I'm just so thankful for you laur. 

being friends with you has brought be closer to Jesus. being friends with you has changed my life. you have never given up on me even though I am absolutely crazy or emotional or yelling or jealous or selfish or rude or not caring. thanks for showing me a love I still don't fully understand. thanks for being a friendship that lasts. you are such a treasure. 

kam

dear ben,

thanks for going to work every day. you work really hard. and thank you for being SO gracious about me not waking up when your alarm goes off. i know you always tell me that i don't need to at all, but a part of me feels bad to sleep in since i still have summer. and i just like to watch you get ready. you're handsome. 

thank you for listening to me. even when i have irrational fears that there are fleas infesting our house. thanks for also going to the store with me to get spray. thanks for helping me spray every surface of the house with said flea spray....just in case ;)

thanks for listening to my ideas. my personal fav...the poop dr. app (for humans). i think it's a really good idea. and you told me it was. you also gave me an idea for a second app. the poop vet (for animals). i think it would be very informational. hah. 

after seeing Monsters University last summer

thanks for telling me i don't look like a lizard even though my back and legs are peeling. also thanks for being there to always put sunscreen on my back. except for the time that resulted in the peeling mentioned above. 

thanks for acting interested when i talk about things that excite me. like decorating. i know you don't care. but then again you DO. because i do. you're a really good teammate. 

thanks for loving soccer before the world cup started. i guess this baseball-brain-washed-girl is starting to see why you love it so much. i still don't understand why someone would get a yellow card for fouling a goal keeper. i guess it's like their catcher like in baseball? maybe like why they put in all those rules because of what happened to buster posey?? 

thanks for being adorable. i mean, really. from your obsession with the royals, to your intense love of sweets (despite your diabetes), to your crazy awesome hair when you wake up, to your chaco tan line, to your incredibly green eyes, and to how excited you get when i care about sports.

you're pretty much the best. i love you.

crying is okay

one year.

i miss my dad. i watched his memorial video/slideshow last night and it opened the wound afresh. the wound i keep tightly covered with a bandaid every day, in fear that the sadness will overwhelm. i believe there is a balance...between the grief and choosing joy. yesterday i let myself feel the weight of grief, and i know it's okay. i felt so weak. i felt that i was weak to be so upset.

i cried because i don't remember his voice. i don't remember him telling me he loves me with his own voice. he used to always do that. "i love you kambly. i'm proud of you."

i cried because as i make decisions with my husband, i wish i could ask his opinion. i wish i could talk to him about saving for the future and living in the now. i wish he would tell me all the things he learned about money....just one more time.

i cried because i miss him and baseball. i miss him explaining things and cheering for teams that are no good.

i cried because life has moved on. people's lives have moved on. mine has in some ways, but also not. i still remember. and it is still fresh to me.

i cried because i don't feel like i'm his daughter anymore. i know i am, but i don't feel like it. it's been so long. i miss having a daddy. i miss an earthly daddy.

i cried out of anger. i hate that he won't be there in the hospital when i have my first child someday. i hate that he will never know that i want to give my child his name. i hate that he won't ever be able to hug me and cry tears of joy because of the beautiful human(s) that jesus will give me and ben someday. i hate that he won't be there. i feel angry he won't get to take care of my kids. i feel so angry he won't ever know how many kids ben and i will have or if we will adopt.

i cried out of envy. it's wrong to be jealous, i know. but i envy people who still have their dad to call, text, hug, love, cherish, send cards to, get angry at, or just be with.

i cried because even though it has only been a year, so many things are new in my life that he will never know about. our new apartment. our dog. my love to cook. our new goals. so many things began after he left.

i cried because i miss his love of food. i miss him taking me out to eat. i miss him getting sunflower seeds and drinking coke, my favorite. i miss him laughing at ben's silly jokes.

i cried ugly, BIG, nasty tears. and ben was there. and jesus was there. and they held me. i couldn't breathe.

no, it hasn't gotten easier. no, time hasn't made it better. no, i don't miss him less.

yes, jesus is still good! yes, i still have the hope He has given me! yes, He gives me peace every single day! yes, there are so many good things in my life! yes, i am happy!

to apey, laur and lads: thank you for saying, "i'll be there when you need me." and thank you for knowing when i need to be alone.
to my family: thank you for getting it.
to ben: thank you for holding me and never letting me go.
to jesus: thank you for your grace, you overwhelm me with your goodness and faithfulness every day. your love knows no limits.

it's a journey. it's healing to write about sometimes.

kambly

dearest husband.

my dear husband, 

what would I do without you. last night you gave me my valentine's present early. I love that about us. how we can NEVER wait till the actual holiday or birthday to give each other presents. it's our quirk. I also love that we kept our christmas tree up until the end of january. some people may call it lazy, I think it's because we wanted to stay in the dreamy holiday a bit longer. we love twinkly lights. 

last night you talked on the phone with one of your best friends. I love how you always, without fail, pace when you are on the phone. you do it when you brush your teeth too. 

last night you made pizza for us because I wasn't feeling good. I love that you accidentally left the cardboard under it so the dough was still mushy. you told me you liked it mushy. I love how you always like everything just a little chewy. I'd rather have it crispy. 

this morning you took fenway outside, like you always do, so that I could spend time with Jesus. only today, I didn't get to because I woke up so late. when you came back inside, your glasses were all fogged up. you're such a good puppy daddy. 

this morning you shaved your beard. I love when you shave. you always do it so sneaky-like as to see if i'll notice. 

this morning you made stuffed peppers and left them in the fridge so you could start them at lunch. you're a stuffed pepper pro. I really did marry up. 

today you came home to check on me at lunch since I left school sick. you tried to get ice skating on the computer for me because you know that's my favorite part of the olympics. you always help make me feel better. 

today you came home to me watching seven brides for seven brothers and talked to me about it. it's flipping awesome you have seen these kind of movies. 

you listened when I cried about missing my dad so much it hurts. you listened when I told you about every valentines he would give me a sparkly card and sign it with a heart around his name. it's been so hard lately. hurts to think about.

today we have clean laundry all over our bedroom. who knows if we will fold it tonight. 

right now you're in class. you are the hardest worker I know. it's not even because you work ridiculously hard, it's because you don't complain while doing it. while I sit and talk about how tired I am, you sit and listen even though you've worked just as many hours as me + school + job searching. 

I think you're a superhero. every day at school, I can't help but mention you, mr. belz. I tell my kids that you're my best friend. because you are. and they think it's weird. 

thanks for making every day memorable. 

love you.

kam

four months feels like a lifetime.

The past four months have felt so fast and yet so slow at the same time.  About 2 months ago, I wrote a letter to my dad. I obviously know that he won't ever hear or read it but it felt so nice to be able to say the things I wanted to. Ben really encouraged me to write the letter because I wanted to talk to my dad so badly. I read it again yesterday and just cried and cried in Ben's arms.

I told Ben it just hurts so much because I want to talk about it. I told him a story about how my friend at work, Jennifer, talks to me about my dad whenever I mention it. It is so completely refreshing to have someone who stays with you and talks with you instead of running away from the topic or simply avoiding the hardness. Ben is so good about this too. He is so completely content with staying with me in the sad place. He offers encouragement and he listens. He doesn't avoid. I avoid it enough! Ben told me that he knows that when I do talk about it, that it means I really want/need to talk about it. It's true. Usually if I bring something up, it's because I want to talk about the good memories I have. I am really thankful for the friend I've found in Jennifer. Jesus has brought me this friend. Even though she hasn't walked through much of life with me, she is ready to be there.

I've found that people are so ready to be there through instagram or facebook or twitter but when it comes to real life and real issues and messy things, they don't want it. They want the highlight real. They want the good stuff. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE THE GOOD STUFF!!! But I have just really thought about this lately. I think about how I am like this too sometimes. How silly and selfish it is. I want to be there for people. I want to be IN their life so I experience the joy or sadness. I want to be the type of friend Jesus was.

Speaking of Jesus, I was reading Luke 7 this morning. It talks about this woman and how she just wept, kissed and anointed His feet with perfume. I started crying with the image in my mind. Of Jesus' sweet face looking down on her. The forgiveness and love in His eyes and heart for her. I mean can you imagine how that woman felt? Ah! At church yesterday, everyone put a red dot on their phone to symbolize how Jesus says, "You belong." The same Jesus that looked upon that woman crying at Jesus' feet, is with me every moment of the day. He looks at me the same way as that woman. The look that tells me I am worthy of His love and acceptance. You are worthy too. You belong in His family just like me.

All this to say, I have felt hurt lately because I've kept so much of my grief inside. Despite the fact that I've not gotten to talk about the grief much, He's seen my grief and He heard my cries yesterday and today. I cry to Him and He understands. I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful that He is never afraid to deal with the mess. He wants me whole :)

"Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. 

If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. 

We love each other because he loved us first."

1 John 4:18-19

all that is within me.

Lately I've had so many thoughts. I realize this implies I don't typically think but it's like my mind has been on overload.

So many enlightening things. The past few months I've felt plagued with anxiety. I believe that this feeling is definitely a choice to give into. All that is within me has been straining and reaching. Grasping for something. Aching to cling onto something, anything that will sustain me. This has looked like a great deal of crying and reading scripture and screaming worship music. My times with Jesus have felt a sense of somberness. It's not necessarily sadness, more of a deep realization of my ache and need.

I've needed encouragement and I've needed comfort. I've ached for worthiness and a justification of grief or my feelings. I've compared my grief with others. I've compared my life with others. It stole my deep-seated joy. My joy became fleeting in a sense. Depending on moment to moment. The moments would pass and I would feel empty, not like myself. I know who I am. I know Kambly is a woman with contagious joy. I've felt it's been taken from time to time.

I believe the biggest culprit of my joy being stolen is comparison. Comparison STEALS my joy in a heartbeat.

Ben and I have talked about this COUNTLESS times since being married. Marriage has the beautiful ability of really bringing things to light sometimes. Can't hide joy being stolen. Can't hide horrible feelings of self-worth from your life partner. Love it.

It is completely ridiculous how I can be completely content with our life and then start down an instagram trail where I start thinking crazy loathful thoughts. I start to hate that I'm a teacher in a low income area. I start to hate that Ben is in school. I start to hate our small apartment. THAT IS NOT WHO I AM. It is not my identity. I love my job. I love that Ben is learning and making cool things happen in Waco/Baylor. I LOVE our comfy cozy apartment. And I like all the quirky decorations we have!

I realized while I was listening to Be Still by Bethel that my mind sometimes won't STOP (**ah the blessings of being a girl**). I start to look for areas and outlets to occupy my mind. I start to look for pretty pictures or things that create discontentment in my heart. Ben and I have been practicing over the last year of taking these obstacles away for periods of time (because I can't just go cold turkey forever, I like being in the know!! :) ). Sometimes we go on social media fasts. Lately we've started this new thing that I LOVE...Phone Free Fridays. The rules are simple: only using phone for direct contact with individuals. Example: "Hey, y'all want to go bowling?" No other things on the phone allowed! IT'S AWESOME. And it makes you realize how much you pick up your phone to do mindless things. Grrrrrrr. 

Long story short, I am in the practice of being still. 

And I like this quote:

"God won't try to speak over the noise in our lives. Rest is holy. We won't hear what we don't pause to listen for."--Love Does

Being still for me looks like this lately: choosing not to be anxious. getting up really early to relish in stillness. choosing to find joy in my job. having intentional connection time with my husband. not meeting up with a ton of people. listening to lots of music. crying about dad. laying in bed a few extra minutes to recognize the comfyness. lots of crying. lots of chai. cuddling with my stuffed bunny. letting Him win my heart. repeating Truth over and over. pampering. staring off into space. lavender vanilla fabric softener. candles. grieving.

be still my heart and know You are God alone. stop thinking so much. and just let go. be still my soul and rest. humbly I confess. in my weakness, Your strength is perfect. for You alone are God. there will be no other. and You have won my heart. more than any other. 

good to me.

I've been thinking about processing. Being an external processor, I feel like it's been very odd lately to do a lot of internal processing. I know that seasons of life are always changing and that sometimes you process differently in different seasons. Processing internally has made me feel more and more introverted. It's also helped me understand my husband better!

I have been thinking about the last 3.5 years and how my life has changed so many times. It makes me crave "normalcy." With Dad getting worse gradually, things were very painful. For so long, I couldn't talk about or dwell on the things so painful because it was too hard to be able to move forward. I don't think people realized all the things that Dad couldn't do towards the end. Every weekend I would come home was SO HARD for me physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I literally felt so drained every time. Lately I've been feeling guilty about that.

But I know that Jesus is the only reason I even got through that season.

Every weekend I would come home to help Dad. I would feed him baby food and milkshakes. Whenever he would eat, I would have to hold his head and his food because he couldn't hold his neck up. Most of the food, he couldn't swallow fully because his tongue didn't work right. A lot of the food would end up on the towel laid across his shirt. I can't express how painful this was for me. To be feeding my Dad and cleaning up his spit. I still felt like his child and this was my DAD slowly deteriorating. Dad would cry when he first started to lose abilities. He felt sad and embarrassed that we had to help him. Towards the end, he didn't feel like that much anymore.

The point of me talking about this is because it is completely strange coming home now and NOT doing this. Last year after rough weeks at school, coming home was so tiring for me. I sometimes feel so guilty because of the way I felt then. I wanted to help and be there and love my family, I just felt so scared and worn down sometimes. Now when I come home, I can just lay on the couch like "normal" people. It is so weird.

Dad was just the most humble man. I just keep thinking about how much pain he was in. How he never complained.

I know he is completely free of pain now. I know he is so happy!!! That gives me joy. I think of him in a place I can't even fathom and it brings me peace. I think about the last week we spent together. He was in a Hospice center so that his breathing and pain could stabilize. I read him the book God of the Impossible: The Healing of Anna Joy. I challenge you to read this if you are journeying through sickness or needing breakthrough in physical healing. This book is incredible. It speaks truth and has a list of verses to claim over yourself. SO ENCOURAGING.

I believe God is the same God of biblical times. He hasn't changed.

It is his CHARACTER to heal. Not once did Jesus refuse healing to a person who asked in the Bible. I'll have to expand on this later. I just love Jesus. He is so consistent. I know he wanted my Daddy well. I know it. You may think differently, but Jesus told me so. I fully believe that when I go to be with Him, I will see how my prayers/faith kept my Dad alive longer. I know I won't fully ever fully understand why my Dad passed away. But I sure as heck know it wasn't because "it was his time" or "Jesus needed him more than me." It is God's character to want children to have Fathers. Nevertheless, He is the Father to the fatherless. He is only good. He is good to me.

This song has brought me comfort the past days. I love how visible my seasons are sometimes. I have changed my playlist that I used to listen to before my Dad died. Most of the songs now on my playlist are about His love, goodness and grace. He comforts me in sorrowful times.

the foxes in the vineyard WILL NOT STEAL my joy. because You are good to me, good to me. 

faster life.

Life has looked a lot differently lately. I have less time to spend in my thoughts during my day and process things. I started school with my kids on Tuesday and I love them already!!!

On the first day of school I shared with them about how my Dad had died this summer. I cherished their faces. Those faces that have seen just as much/more grief than me. I told them that if Mrs. Belz every looked sad it was because she was missing her Dad and she will be okay in a little bit! One of the reasons I love my job so much is because I have SO many different roles as a teacher. I felt like a counselor in that moment. Those people who are teachers get the many roles we play :)

It felt good to talk about my Dad to my sweet littles. I haven't had much of a chance lately to talk about my Dad. Life has gotten faster. People don't ask much anymore. What this does is make me feel like people have forgotten. I was thinking about this the other day because I told a friend I felt like people had forgotten about my Dad. What I really meant was that I feel like people have forgotten the pain I feel about Dad. That it still hasn't gone away. That I am still going through this and need people now more than ever. That's the thing with life, things move on. I suppose that sounds selfish.

As I feel people moving on, I am drawn back to remember that the only person who really understands and cares about how I feel 24/7 is Jesus. I'll be honest, sometimes I get so angry! I feel angry sometimes because I want to be heard. I want to talk about things. I want to cry and let it out! I have been talking about my Dad so much lately to Ben. Ben recently started a to play in a men's soccer league in Waco and it reminds me so much of when I was younger and my Dad used to play in a Softball league. I remember him being so active and FUN! Ben reminds me so much of my Dad in so many ways. I've also been remembering my Dad's scent before he got sick. If you know me, you know I love smells! My Dad used to smell of leather, mint and his cologne :) Every day after work he would feel so cold because his car's AC would be on FULL blast. I would hug his still-crisp work shirt and he would always smell the same :)

I miss that. I really miss him. I have a picture of my Dad and me on my door in the classroom. I LOVE that my students ask me about him. They think I am so ridiculous because I haven't put a picture in the locket he gave me. They are so cute and LITTLE!! I suppose I am just really appreciative of my kids this week. They have been able to minister to my heart in a unique way. Jesus really is faithful. He knows I was feeling lonely in that way. I just really miss my Daddy. I really do.

Me and Daddy in 2009 at a Baylor baseball game. 

oceans.

It's been a whole month since my Daddy went to Jesus. Oh how I miss him so. I miss his hands a lot of the time. I'm not sure why. I guess because a big portion of my childhood was spent coming back to holding his hand.

I think about how I'm an adult now. How I have a real job and have real responsibilities. I think about how Dad and Mom helped to prepare me to be a wife. I question lately if I'm ready to be an adult. Having him gone makes me anxious sometimes because I can't ask him any advice or questions anymore. I don't remember questioning this before I got married. I have been thinking about this point a lot. What if my car breaks down? Who will I ask? What about investments? What about when Ben and I want to buy a house someday? What about when we name our first child? Are Ben and I doing a good job and being wise? These questions are ones I wish I had the ability to ask my Dad.

I just MISS him. It's an aching feeling, not always painful, just an ache. Really hard to describe. The best way to describe it is like an ocean. With waves coming in I feel overwhelmed with sadness or missing or anger. Mainly sadness. It hits me like the tide. I don't expect it sometimes. I watched the memorial slideshow for the first time on Friday. I thought to myself, "Kambly, you've already seen it, you won't cry at all!" Oops. Fail. Of course I sobbed. Combo of the pics and the songs. The tide crashed into my soul and squeezed out all my emotions. You just feel dry after these things. Kinda like sand I suppose. I feel raw and drained after I weep. It's healing almost.

Like every situation that is sad, there is also GOOD. Jesus is so incredibly faithful. When the tide draws back, I continue to feel restored. Songs and scripture have really ministered to me lately. I LOVE MUSIC. I love to sing, I don't care if I sing well. I just love it. Every time the waves go back into the ocean, I feel Jesus build me up again. I feel stronger than I did before. The current is strong. I can see myself being shaped in the sand. I can feel it. I am a Woman of Faith. I never thought this before...I do now. I am a woman of strong emotion. Jesus loves me for this. He loves the way I feel and express it. He's told me so many times that it is OKAY to look differently when I grieve. I am a beautiful painting. With strong and vivid colors. My life is plastered upon the canvas. You can see the mountains Jesus and I have climbed. You can see the pits I've dwelled before. He was there too. I see the painting alive with color, so vibrant. Jesus calls to me with colors and music. He shows me that I am a work of art. I am worth spending time on. I am worth knowing.

My Dad used to always tell me towards the end of his life that I was "awesome." It became his word to say. I cried as I watched this video from a few months ago. Dad couldn't speak for a while, but he always mouthed what he wanted to communicate. In this video he says, "I love you Kambly. You're awesome."

He always loved so well. I miss him telling me that. Also- I have found so much comfort in this song lately. Listen. 

Psalms 42:7-8 (NLT)
"I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me. But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life."


Psalm 93:3-4 (MSG)
"Sea storms are up, God,
Sea storms wild and roaring,
Sea storms with thunderous breakers.

Stronger than wild sea storms,
Mightier than sea-storm breakers,
Mighty God rules from High Heaven."

as of late.

Going through something hard is such an interesting thing. Most people don't know what to do or say to people who have lost someone or are going through something. I have found, the BEST thing for you to do for someone you love that is struggling is to ask them, "How can I be there for you right now?" It pretty much works in every circumstance!

Oh my goodness. If people who love me asked me that whenever they thought about me or my Dad, it would be such a blessing!! I completely understand that people don't know what to say sometimes. I have been there! And I don't think I handled things in the best way. I thought that those people wouldn't want to talk about it so I shouldn't ask. Wrong! One thing I have learned though, is that asking the best approach, in my opinion. Sometimes I don't want to talk about how I'm doing. Sometimes I want to cry. Sometimes I just need hugs. Sometimes I need quality time. Sometimes I want to be distracted. Sometimes I want to go somewhere. With this situation, I feel like it's different most of the time. Every day could be different! If I don't want to talk about it, I will say it! I cannot tell you how much it means to me when people who really care about me, ask me what they can do for me right now. I realize that not everyone knew my Dad and feels the acute loss that I feel. But I know they care about me and how I'm doing. I'm not really okay, to be honest. It's really hard when random people ask me how I'm doing and I feel like I have to pretend I'm okay and not cry, when that's all I want to do. I know I don't have to be okay. But I still feel like people expect me to be. It's hard to explain! With that being said, I am SO thankful that this isn't consuming me. It really isn't, thanks to Jesus. He is so faithful to be with me during the joyful times as well as the times of hurt.

A hard part of losing my Dad is watching people's lives move on from it. I know it sounds selfish, but it's so painful to watch other people sometimes when you feel the LOSS of someone you love so much. I do feel the loss. I miss my Dad's emails. I miss his smile and his face so much. I miss his hands. I miss feeding him and hugging him. I miss his voice. Sometimes it really hits me, especially at big events. Other times I don't think about it. I can push it out of my mind. When I am alone, or with Ben, I feel like I can actually be sad with the tears spilling over instead of being contained. That's when I let the sadness in and don't try to push it away. No, I am not always sad with Ben haha, we always have fun together. I just mean I am so comfortable being myself around him. I'm so thankful for grace.

I don't really know the purpose of this post but to express my feelings as of late. And to say thank you to those people who ask what I need from them right now. If you do ask me, I'll try to tell you as best I can. Sometimes, it's just a chai hehe :)

one week.

It's been a week since my Dad went to go see Jesus. It's been a crazy week. A painful week.

I want to write about how amazing my Dad is. I think I will do snippets gradually. One of the hardest things about my Dad being gone is having to talk in the past tense. I HATE IT SO MUCH. So I'm not going to right now.

Wednesday was the Memorial Service for my Dad and it was SO AMAZING. Don't get me wrong, it was extremely painful and sad....but it was so joyful as well. My family and I wanted it to be a celebration of Dad's life. Of the incredible encouragement he has always and will always be to everyone. Bobby (the one who married Ben and I) was the one who spoke at Dad's graveside and memorial. My goodness Jesus answered my prayers specifically with the words Bobby spoke. Some things I don't think I even prayed for, but Jesus knew what I wanted and needed.

I wish I could fully express the way my heart felt those hours on July 3rd. Jesus is so sweet to know exactly what each of my family members needed to hear. I am so grateful that I have a life with Jesus. I can't imagine how people feel when their Dad dies and they have no Hope.

My Jesus knows my sensitive and tender heart. He has held me so close the past few weeks. It makes me cry to thing how comforting He has been. He gave me the best friends in the world. It is incredible how much a community can affect your life. Those people know who they are. They dropped everything to make sure I was okay, to do anything to give comfort, to show tangibly how they love me. It's so hard to explain the way my soul felt this past week. I mean, THANK YOU JESUS. He is so gracious and SO loving. As I write, I just cry because He is so good.

I'm not an expert on the grieving process. I do know that there has been a sense of grief the past 3.5 years my Dad has been sick but it doesn't compare to this. It's been messy and raw. I go through waves almost. Happiness, sadness, joy, heart-breaking pain, longing, and contentment. I know it's necessary. It helps to write now. I haven't had much alone time, or rest-time. This helps.

I don't know what this blog will look like in the coming months. I am just bursting at the seems right now to tell everyone that HE IS FAITHFUL. He keeps showing me that, so sweetly. I trust Him. I really do. I feel so close to my family. We have a bond that can't be broken! And I am so thankful for my husband, I love him so much.

If Dad was here right now, I know he'd tell me: "You're awesome. You're beautiful. I love you."

I miss him so much. I know he's just sitting at Jesus' feet right now praising Him. What a crazy picture!

married one year.

Happy 1 Year Anniversary to my Ben.

I can't believe a whole year has gone by. I always talk to people about how marriage is the BEST. I really do believe that!!!

This year has been the best year of my life. I can't imagine what life would be like if Jesus didn't give me Ben. I look back to when I first met Ben and didn't realize that God had a hand in it then, but I so do now. 

first night we met.

3 years ago I met a joyful, fun, and crazy dancer named Ben Belz. I remember the first time I saw him I thought, "Well he's kinda cute." I thought he was cute in a mysterious yet teddy-bear like way. I met him in April of my Sophomore year. I had just gone through a break up and WAS NOT looking for anyone to like. We went to an animated movie and then a dance party (so indicative of our life together now). I remember thinking that he was so peaceful and yet so happy at the same time. I remember wanting to be around him. He had a confidence about him that I lacked so greatly. Being around Ben was like being closer to Jesus, my Spirit felt so lifted. During this time, I was wrecked emotionally. Not many people knew how broken my heart was. I was so worried because my Dad was starting to slur his speech, we knew something was wrong, but not what. I felt insecure. I felt alone. I was clinging onto Jesus with every ounce that was within me because I felt so desperate. Over the next few months, Ben and I would talk occasionally or hang out with a group of people. During this time, we gradually learned a little more about what was happening with my Dad. 

During that summer, Ben and I talked ALL the time. We would text and skype. I remember thinking to myself, "Why do I feel so drawn to him? Why do I feel like I should share about the situation with my Dad? Why do I feel like I'm supposed to talk to him more and more?" I remember sharing the situation with Ben about Dad and how scared I was to find out what was going on. I knew he would pray for me. Not in a flippant way, but truly pray in earnest. Later I found out that Ben was so moved by me sharing everything and so moved by my family's situation that he cried with his friends about it. He is such a compassionate man. 

The next few months after we found out my Dad had Lou Gehrig's disease, Ben pursued me relentlessly. I refused so many times even though I had this feeling in my Spirit that I was supposed to be with him. It is so hard to explain even to this day. I did not want to date Ben. But I knew I was supposed to? Ben was so faithful. Waiting patiently for my heart to figure things out. Waiting patiently for me to say "yes" to God. Waiting while I struggled and was angry about my Dad's diagnosis. Ben was ALWAYS there. When we did start officially dating, it finally felt so right. Immediately we became so close. Most couples take longer to progress to emotional levels like we did in just a few short months. I think it had to do with what was happening outside our relationship! I remember I knew that I loved him when he met my family and my Dad for the first time (I've always wanted a husband like my Dad). I remember the way he interacted with my family. So patient and loving. So caring and tender. 

Over the past 3 years that I've known Ben Belz, I've become more convinced how like Jesus he is. I've never been more convinced as I am now that Ben was the one man meant for me. Jesus knew what I needed. He placed Ben in my life in one of the most difficult seasons and has brought us through together. It is so sweet to know that Ben has seen it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I mean what other 24 year old would be willing to shower his Father-in-Law, or hug his Mother-in-Law when she cries. Benjamin Belz has the most loving heart I know. I have never felt so completely loved and cherished by anyone besides the Lord. He consistently communicates Truth. 

I don't know what I would do without the love of my life. Being in love with someone like Ben has caused me to grow so much. I see Jesus differently when I'm with Ben. I watch someone serve and lead SO selflessly. The way Ben loves others teaches me so much. How faithful and loyal he is. How honest and respectful he is. He loves like Jesus....relentlessly and unabashedly. 

Ben, you are the love of my life. I am so much more in love with you today, than a year ago. You are my greatest friend and ally. You encourage me. You love me. You support and lead me so well. The vows I wrote one year ago, I pledge to you again :)

My Beloved,

one year ago.

Today in front of our Jesus, family and friends,

I promise to love you in every season of our lives,

I choose to walk this path together forever,

Just like Ruth in the Bible I say: Where you go, I’ll go. Where you stay, I’ll stay.

I will continually commit to honor, respect, and cherish you,

I promise to always make sure you take care of your diabetes, and I will care for you as I care for my own body.

After praying and waiting for the One God had for me, I have worn this purity ring for 10 years and today I symbolically give it to you, I give you myself fully. I will keep myself only for you as long as we live.

I promise to remain faithful to you my Ben. I commit to seek Jesus while loving you. I choose to throw off all other entanglements and run hard after Jesus beside you. I set my goal in life to please both God and you in all things.

I promise to tenderly serve you, support, and stand by you all our days.

It is my joy to embrace this wonderful life with you my best friend.

Obviously the purity ring part is invalid now. Been there done that haha! I love you so much, my wonderful husband. You are my best friend. 

Your wife,

Kambly

thankful list.

Sometimes when I feel the tendency to be ungrateful is far outweighing my tendency to appreciate, I try to make a thankful list. I struggle with comparing myself to others. It's something I've become very aware about myself lately. I don't know why I do it. I compare my looks, my friendships, my marriage and my things. It just KILLS me. Once I start, it is almost as if I can't stop. I dig myself deeper and deeper until it feels as if I am at the bottom of a huge well. There the rope is too short for me to reach and pull myself out. Sometimes, if I am not too self-absorbed, I look around at the bottom and I see that Jesus is standing there with me. I ask Him for help and He invites me to stand on His shoulders so I can reach the rope. He helps me CHOOSE to get out of the well. Even though I know He's there with me, it's so hard for me to choose to get out of the darkness sometimes! In an effort to truly relish in thankfulness, I am going to list some things I'm thankful for :)

I'm thankful for...

1. Ben
2. my family
3. 11 months of marriage with my best friend
4. 9 year old hands holding mine
5. people calling me "Mrs. Belz"
6. being debt-free
7. my car, Suzi :)
8. my necklace Dad gave me on my wedding day
9. my Bible app
10. our down comforter
11. flowers in our home
12. peanut butter cookies
13. hugs that last long
14. smiles that light the room
15. my wedding ring
16. chai
17. Ben
18. my BU tervis
19. humidity making my hair curl
20. shampoo that smells like heaven 
21. talks with Mom
22. our apartment looking over the river
23. waco
24. our church
25. Truth
26. no babies yet
27. new married friends
28. encouraging texts
29. anniversary trip planning
30. my job
31. my phone
32. snapchat hehe
33. slurpees
34. drives with Ben
35. skies prettier than paint
36. late nights with friends
37. Ben
38. working with Sarah
39. jean shorts
40. my computer
41. having a sexy husband
42. dance with Dad at our wedding
43. SUMMER
44. colors
45. felt tipped pens
46. washer and dryer
47. grace
48. nail polish
49. emojis
50. JESUS. thank you Lord.

It feels good to speak thankfulness over yourself. I am thankful.