Sleeplessness has been a commonality these days. I don't know what it is. Last summer it was the same! I would wake up every night last summer around 4am and text someone a random thought. I don't know why I did that, but it was fun.

I don't like being sleepless. Also, I'm not a huge fan of being a borderline insomniac. I like regular patterns. I like routine. I've been in Waco this summer off and on and I have found myself longing for routine again (hopefully that's a sign I'll like teaching). Every time I leave Austin, I yearn to go back. I yearn for my family and bosom friend. It's funny that I am saying this because if you would have asked me a few months ago if I was excited about going home this summer, I would have absolutely said "no."

There is just something about home that draws me back. Comfort, acceptance, forgiveness and love. The notion that no matter who I am at any given moment, I will be accepted entirely. What a lovely thought. That's God's kind of love right there. Do you believe God loves you? Do you really? I recognized recently that I didn't truly believe that God loved me. I always thought "Jesus loves me this I know for the Bible tells me so" but I attributed this love to my performance. God doesn't love me more or less if I have a quiet time or tithe or share the gospel. He loves me just the same. No matter what. I love to love and be loved. What a mind blowing, life shattering, heart exploding thought!!! HE LOVES ME! HE BLESSED ME! Oh my, my little heart with burst. He loves me. He loves me. He loves you...right where you are...no matter what.

Go bless someone today, go love.

{via weheartit}

{My heart will burst at the thought of..}

1. My dad being healed. Oh how I wait for that blessed day that his body finally responds to the promise written in the Scripture. The promise that He has already paid the price. We are saved. "Saved" in the Bible comes from the Greek word sozo. Sozo means several things: cured, ensured salvation, get well, made well, recovered and restored. Restored is my favorite. I love the notion that He restores me daily. He restores me mentally, physically and emotionally. He has restored everyone of us when He died for us...by His stripes we are healed- Isaiah 53:5. 
2. Having my own home. I get butterflies when I think about the tiny house that I so want in the future! It will be warm and cozy and clean. There will always be pillows and blankets in the living room so I can lay on the floor with loved ones and talk about life as we know it. There will be candles to make me feel like I am walking into a perfectly lovely store. I want a tin roof to fall asleep under with the rain pitter-pattering like a noise machine app on my phone. I want a rap-around porch with rocking chairs that I can sit and rock away the years with family. I want a yard with a swing on the tree so I can watch the world while swaying with the wind. I want flowers because there really isn't any better smell than freshly planted flowers in mulch. I want lots of crazy mugs that show how many places I've traveled and drank delicious chai and (hopefully) coffee. I want my bathroom mirrors to be covered in verses and Truths. I want mason jars and twinkle lights all over. I want a crafty room for the kiddies with chalkboard walls. I just can't wait for a home. 
Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zero's - A Take Away Show from La Blogotheque on Vimeo
3. Europe in the winter! OH I cannot wait till I get to Europe and teach the little ones and travel and all things good. I have a feeling I will want to stay. Can't wait to pretend I'm really artsy fartsy. 
4. Becoming a teacher. I can't wait to love my students. I can't wait to know all of their names and little of what makes them up. I can't wait to write down silly quotes and take silly pictures of crumbs on their face or their shirts inside out. I can't wait to welcome them with a hug every morning and push them out of my class in the afternoon :)

I sometimes get so happy thinking about the future and what is to come! Joy joy joy joy down in my heart, YAY! 

I love the here and now. But as Anne Shirley says: tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it. 

I never knew...

Dear family, I never knew how strong you were until that was our only choice we had. 

Thanks for letting me be a part of all of your crazy lives. You are so loved. 

Kam

bye bye 2010.

january

my favorite event. nerds4life.

february

sing & snow.

march

rodeo & robots.

april

dia & dances.

may

boat times & birthdays.

june

weddings & reunions.

july

friends visit austin.

august

soaking up the last of summer.

september

21 & and the best trip ever.

october

homecoming festivities.

november

thanksgiving & the end of football.

december

christmas time is the best time.

bye bye 2010, you were good to me.

You alone can rescue.

lately i've been struggling with some questions. formed out of lies and hurt. the biggest question i've had the past few days is this: how am i suppose to have faith that the Lord will give me peace right now when the end result is heartbreaking? how am i supposed to be okay today knowing the future that is coming?

i've been wrestling and wrestling. wishing i had answers. all i know is that i can't do this without Him. living these past few days feeling out of fellowship with the Lord has been horrible. literally. every part of me is ill. i'm physically sick, mentally tired, emotionally exhausted, and spiritually aching. this time out of the Lord's fellowship has made me realize that i don't have to have the answers because i literally don't know them. i'm not going to focus on those unanswered questions. i just need Him to hold me. i need to know that someone is with me. someone is with me through this overwhelming sadness. 

david talks a lot about feeling as if he is in the "depths of despair." 

^{Psalm 30}

¹ I will exalt you, Lord, for you rescued me.

      You refused to let my enemies triumph over me.

 ² O Lord my God, I cried to you for help,

      and you restored my health.

 ³ You brought me up from the grave, O Lord.

      You kept me from falling into the pit of death.

He alone can rescue me. He did rescue me out of this pit. i sing this anthem today because He is the giver of life. He saves me.

Who, oh Lord, could save themselves, 

Their own soul could heal? 

Our shame was deeper than the sea 

Your grace is deeper still 

Who, oh Lord, could save themselves, 

Their own soul could heal? 

Our shame was deeper than the sea 

Your grace is deeper still 

You alone can rescue, You alone can save 

You alone can lift us from the grave 

You came down to find us, led us out of death 

To You alone belongs the highest praise 

You, oh Lord, have made a way 

The great divide You heal 

For when our hearts were far away 

Your love went further still 

Yes, your love goes further still 

You alone can rescue, You alone can save 

You alone can lift us from the grave 

You came down to find us, led us out of death 

To You alone belongs the highest praise 

To You alone belongs the highest praise

To You alone belongs the highest praise

You alone

big bad news.

A lot of people have been asking me how I am, now knowing that my dad is going to die. Well as expected, I am not okay haha. I've always said "I don't know what I would do without my dad" and so thinking about what I'm ACTUALLY going to have to do without my dad is scaring the crap out of me. I feel like I can see all the things that are going to happen, like my dad not being there when I get married, or when I have kids. I see them and I feel the pain and weight of that knowledge just pushing at the outskirts of my mind. Trying to break free and crush me under sadness.

Yea, I know that God has a plan and that it will be good in the long run. I do know that. I know that God's ultimate purpose in allowing this to happen is so that He is glorified. I know all the Sunday school answers for why my dad is sick. But it's not really what I need to hear right now. I mean, this sucks. Really bad. For my whole family. If you're looking to comfort me, right now, I just need you to BE with me. Hug me when I cry, cry with me, talk about how bad this sucks. That's where I'm at right now.

I know the Lord provides. I've experienced miracles. It's hard to pray for a miracle that my dad be healed when the doctors say it's impossible. But then again, I do worship the God of the Impossible. I will lean on the Lord for comfort because He is the only true comforter. He did lose His only Son.

Funny, I get a bible verse every morning on my phone and He is so faithful with encouraging me:

"We do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day."

2 Corinthians 4:16

Hahah, my dad just informed me that he wants to move to Beliz. OKAY dad.

prayer and healing.

So I've been wrestling with this topic a lot. Thinking, praying and talking about it. Here's some mixed thoughts.

God's kinda like the President. Some people believe that you can't just come to the President with any petty thing. That there are certain mediating ways but you don't just come rushing to the throne. But I think you can if you're the Presidents kid. If your his little son or daughter you have access to the Oval Office because that's not just the President, he's also Daddy. Who cares what your problem is! God wants to commune with us. He sent His son Jesus Christ to connect with us. "Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need" Hebrews 4:16.

Cast ALL your cares upon Him! Psalm 55 says to "roll" your burdens onto the Lord and He'll sustain you.

You see, it's all about response. You can't just pray "get me out, get me out," you have to pray "God give me perspective in this." Of course I can ask to get out of tragedy. Jesus did! It makes sense to talk to God. He's the right guy to go to! Wherever I am in the spectrum of my life, my response SHOULD be to talk to God. Am I doing that?

God can heal people. It's up to God's sovereign will. The prayer of faith will save. Yeah, sometimes He doesn't. But that's not the point of our lives. Everyone is gonna end up dead in the end. The point of my life is to bring Him GLORY! So if I'm praying for my dad in faith, He will be glorified. If my dad doesn't have a life threatening sickness and is healed, He will be glorified. If my dad has a life threatening disease and goes to be with Him, He will be glorified. My response will potentially bring God more glory. I trust that He has a plan for my life. This stress sucks. But I've already seen His provision through this situation.

He's calling my attention to something glorious. In my sin, God did send someone to rescue me. It was His son. No matter how dark and twisted my life has become, I can call to Him.

So I'm gonna keep praying, I'm not gonna give up.

God loves to work miracles. God loves to save me.

old.

Just looking through pics when I found this treasure.....

Look how cute I used to be?!?!?!!?!?!

joy in pain.

If I could, I would take this wheelchair to heaven with me.  Standing next to my Savior, Jesus Christ, I would say, “Lord, do you see this wheelchair?  Well, before you send it to hell, I want to tell you something about it.  You were right when you said that in this world we would have trouble.  There’s a lot of trouble being a quadriplegic.  But you know what?  The weaker I was in that thing, the harder I leaned on you, and the harder I leaned on you, the stronger I discovered you to be.  Thank you for the bruising blessing it was, this severe mercy.  Thank you.” - Joni Eareckson

Wow. What if we all viewed suffering as a sovereign thing? Whether it is physical, emotional or relational. What if we viewed every pain as a bruising blessing and a severe mercy? We realize that yes, pain is real. It hurts. But it's only temporary. Something glorious is in the future.

A lot of times we find ourselves wrestling with the fact that we are going through a painful circumstance, saying "this isn't fair. why me?" When we SHOULD realize that pain is the one thing that the whole world has in common. Suffering is the only thingevery human being has in common. Not everyone gets joy, but everyone gets pain.

In James chapter 1, he talks about considering it pure joy when we face trials of many kinds because we know that the testing of our faith develops perseverance. This verse comes across like James is saying be happy that you are going through trials so that you can go  through more! But really it's kind of like when we were "conditioned" in school. When we were younger, the alphabet seemed like torture to have to write out all TWENTY SIX letters haha. But now that's a piece of cake and we can take on 10 page papers!

What James is saying is that the reason we should be joyful in times of suffering is because we know that something greater lies ahead. That we can rage against the pain because it wasn't always like this. And it won't always be like this. There is life in the future. JOY beyond expression in Christ.

If I can walk through the pain that I'm experiencing, correctly, it will change me into something else better. And isn't that worth it? Pain makes me deal with God. Not just deal with him, but love him.