dear ben,

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

thanks for going to work every day. you work really hard. and thank you for being SO gracious about me not waking up when your alarm goes off. i know you always tell me that i don't need to at all, but a part of me feels bad to sleep in since i still have summer. and i just like to watch you get ready. you're handsome. 

thank you for listening to me. even when i have irrational fears that there are fleas infesting our house. thanks for also going to the store with me to get spray. thanks for helping me spray every surface of the house with said flea spray....just in case ;)

thanks for listening to my ideas. my personal fav...the poop dr. app (for humans). i think it's a really good idea. and you told me it was. you also gave me an idea for a second app. the poop vet (for animals). i think it would be very informational. hah. 

after seeing Monsters University last summer
thanks for telling me i don't look like a lizard even though my back and legs are peeling. also thanks for being there to always put sunscreen on my back. except for the time that resulted in the peeling mentioned above. 

thanks for acting interested when i talk about things that excite me. like decorating. i know you don't care. but then again you DO. because i do. you're a really good teammate. 

thanks for loving soccer before the world cup started. i guess this baseball-brain-washed-girl is starting to see why you love it so much. i still don't understand why someone would get a yellow card for fouling a goal keeper. i guess it's like their catcher like in baseball? maybe like why they put in all those rules because of what happened to buster posey?? 

thanks for being adorable. i mean, really. from your obsession with the royals, to your intense love of sweets (despite your diabetes), to your crazy awesome hair when you wake up, to your chaco tan line, to your incredibly green eyes, and to how excited you get when i care about sports.

you're pretty much the best. i love you.

crying is okay

Monday, June 30, 2014

one year.

i miss my dad. i watched his memorial video/slideshow last night and it opened the wound afresh. the wound i keep tightly covered with a bandaid every day, in fear that the sadness will overwhelm. i believe there is a balance...between the grief and choosing joy. yesterday i let myself feel the weight of grief, and i know it's okay. i felt so weak. i felt that i was weak to be so upset.

i cried because i don't remember his voice. i don't remember him telling me he loves me with his own voice. he used to always do that. "i love you kambly. i'm proud of you."

i cried because as i make decisions with my husband, i wish i could ask his opinion. i wish i could talk to him about saving for the future and living in the now. i wish he would tell me all the things he learned about money....just one more time.

i cried because i miss him and baseball. i miss him explaining things and cheering for teams that are no good.

i cried because life has moved on. people's lives have moved on. mine has in some ways, but also not. i still remember. and it is still fresh to me.

i cried because i don't feel like i'm his daughter anymore. i know i am, but i don't feel like it. it's been so long. i miss having a daddy. i miss an earthly daddy.

i cried out of anger. i hate that he won't be there in the hospital when i have my first child someday. i hate that he will never know that i want to give my child his name. i hate that he won't ever be able to hug me and cry tears of joy because of the beautiful human(s) that jesus will give me and ben someday. i hate that he won't be there. i feel angry he won't get to take care of my kids. i feel so angry he won't ever know how many kids ben and i will have or if we will adopt.

i cried out of envy. it's wrong to be jealous, i know. but i envy people who still have their dad to call, text, hug, love, cherish, send cards to, get angry at, or just be with.

i cried because even though it has only been a year, so many things are new in my life that he will never know about. our new apartment. our dog. my love to cook. our new goals. so many things began after he left.

i cried because i miss his love of food. i miss him taking me out to eat. i miss him getting sunflower seeds and drinking coke, my favorite. i miss him laughing at ben's silly jokes.

i cried ugly, BIG, nasty tears. and ben was there. and jesus was there. and they held me. i couldn't breathe.

no, it hasn't gotten easier. no, time hasn't made it better. no, i don't miss him less.

yes, jesus is still good! yes, i still have the hope He has given me! yes, He gives me peace every single day! yes, there are so many good things in my life! yes, i am happy!

to apey, laur and lads: thank you for saying, "i'll be there when you need me." and thank you for knowing when i need to be alone.
to my family: thank you for getting it.
to ben: thank you for holding me and never letting me go.
to jesus: thank you for your grace, you overwhelm me with your goodness and faithfulness every day. your love knows no limits.

it's a journey. it's healing to write about sometimes.


dearest husband.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

my dear husband, 

what would I do without you. last night you gave me my valentine's present early. I love that about us. how we can NEVER wait till the actual holiday or birthday to give each other presents. it's our quirk. I also love that we kept our christmas tree up until the end of january. some people may call it lazy, I think it's because we wanted to stay in the dreamy holiday a bit longer. we love twinkly lights. 

last night you talked on the phone with one of your best friends. I love how you always, without fail, pace when you are on the phone. you do it when you brush your teeth too. 

last night you made pizza for us because I wasn't feeling good. I love that you accidentally left the cardboard under it so the dough was still mushy. you told me you liked it mushy. I love how you always like everything just a little chewy. I'd rather have it crispy. 

this morning you took fenway outside, like you always do, so that I could spend time with Jesus. only today, I didn't get to because I woke up so late. when you came back inside, your glasses were all fogged up. you're such a good puppy daddy. 

this morning you shaved your beard. I love when you shave. you always do it so sneaky-like as to see if i'll notice. 

this morning you made stuffed peppers and left them in the fridge so you could start them at lunch. you're a stuffed pepper pro. I really did marry up. 

today you came home to check on me at lunch since I left school sick. you tried to get ice skating on the computer for me because you know that's my favorite part of the olympics. you always help make me feel better. 

today you came home to me watching seven brides for seven brothers and talked to me about it. it's flipping awesome you have seen these kind of movies. 

you listened when I cried about missing my dad so much it hurts. you listened when I told you about every valentines he would give me a sparkly card and sign it with a heart around his name. it's been so hard lately. hurts to think about.

today we have clean laundry all over our bedroom. who knows if we will fold it tonight. 

right now you're in class. you are the hardest worker I know. it's not even because you work ridiculously hard, it's because you don't complain while doing it. while I sit and talk about how tired I am, you sit and listen even though you've worked just as many hours as me + school + job searching. 

I think you're a superhero. every day at school, I can't help but mention you, mr. belz. I tell my kids that you're my best friend. because you are. and they think it's weird. 

thanks for making every day memorable. 

love you.

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