Sunday, July 28, 2013

It's been a whole month since my Daddy went to Jesus. Oh how I miss him so. I miss his hands a lot of the time. I'm not sure why. I guess because a big portion of my childhood was spent coming back to holding his hand.

I think about how I'm an adult now. How I have a real job and have real responsibilities. I think about how Dad and Mom helped to prepare me to be a wife. I question lately if I'm ready to be an adult. Having him gone makes me anxious sometimes because I can't ask him any advice or questions anymore. I don't remember questioning this before I got married. I have been thinking about this point a lot. What if my car breaks down? Who will I ask? What about investments? What about when Ben and I want to buy a house someday? What about when we name our first child? Are Ben and I doing a good job and being wise? These questions are ones I wish I had the ability to ask my Dad.

I just MISS him. It's an aching feeling, not always painful, just an ache. Really hard to describe. The best way to describe it is like an ocean. With waves coming in I feel overwhelmed with sadness or missing or anger. Mainly sadness. It hits me like the tide. I don't expect it sometimes. I watched the memorial slideshow for the first time on Friday. I thought to myself, "Kambly, you've already seen it, you won't cry at all!" Oops. Fail. Of course I sobbed. Combo of the pics and the songs. The tide crashed into my soul and squeezed out all my emotions. You just feel dry after these things. Kinda like sand I suppose. I feel raw and drained after I weep. It's healing almost.

Like every situation that is sad, there is also GOOD. Jesus is so incredibly faithful. When the tide draws back, I continue to feel restored. Songs and scripture have really ministered to me lately. I LOVE MUSIC. I love to sing, I don't care if I sing well. I just love it. Every time the waves go back into the ocean, I feel Jesus build me up again. I feel stronger than I did before. The current is strong. I can see myself being shaped in the sand. I can feel it. I am a Woman of Faith. I never thought this before...I do now. I am a woman of strong emotion. Jesus loves me for this. He loves the way I feel and express it. He's told me so many times that it is OKAY to look differently when I grieve. I am a beautiful painting. With strong and vivid colors. My life is plastered upon the canvas. You can see the mountains Jesus and I have climbed. You can see the pits I've dwelled before. He was there too. I see the painting alive with color, so vibrant. Jesus calls to me with colors and music. He shows me that I am a work of art. I am worth spending time on. I am worth knowing.

My Dad used to always tell me towards the end of his life that I was "awesome." It became his word to say. I cried as I watched this video from a few months ago. Dad couldn't speak for a while, but he always mouthed what he wanted to communicate. In this video he says, "I love you Kambly. You're awesome."

He always loved so well. I miss him telling me that. Also- I have found so much comfort in this song lately. Listen. 

Psalms 42:7-8 (NLT)
"I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me. But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life."

Psalm 93:3-4 (MSG)
"Sea storms are up, God,
Sea storms wild and roaring,
Sea storms with thunderous breakers.

Stronger than wild sea storms,
Mightier than sea-storm breakers,
Mighty God rules from High Heaven."

as of late.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Going through something hard is such an interesting thing. Most people don't know what to do or say to people who have lost someone or are going through something. I have found, the BEST thing for you to do for someone you love that is struggling is to ask them, "How can I be there for you right now?" It pretty much works in every circumstance!

Oh my goodness. If people who love me asked me that whenever they thought about me or my Dad, it would be such a blessing!! I completely understand that people don't know what to say sometimes. I have been there! And I don't think I handled things in the best way. I thought that those people wouldn't want to talk about it so I shouldn't ask. Wrong! One thing I have learned though, is that asking the best approach, in my opinion. Sometimes I don't want to talk about how I'm doing. Sometimes I want to cry. Sometimes I just need hugs. Sometimes I need quality time. Sometimes I want to be distracted. Sometimes I want to go somewhere. With this situation, I feel like it's different most of the time. Every day could be different! If I don't want to talk about it, I will say it! I cannot tell you how much it means to me when people who really care about me, ask me what they can do for me right now. I realize that not everyone knew my Dad and feels the acute loss that I feel. But I know they care about me and how I'm doing. I'm not really okay, to be honest. It's really hard when random people ask me how I'm doing and I feel like I have to pretend I'm okay and not cry, when that's all I want to do. I know I don't have to be okay. But I still feel like people expect me to be. It's hard to explain! With that being said, I am SO thankful that this isn't consuming me. It really isn't, thanks to Jesus. He is so faithful to be with me during the joyful times as well as the times of hurt.

A hard part of losing my Dad is watching people's lives move on from it. I know it sounds selfish, but it's so painful to watch other people sometimes when you feel the LOSS of someone you love so much. I do feel the loss. I miss my Dad's emails. I miss his smile and his face so much. I miss his hands. I miss feeding him and hugging him. I miss his voice. Sometimes it really hits me, especially at big events. Other times I don't think about it. I can push it out of my mind. When I am alone, or with Ben, I feel like I can actually be sad with the tears spilling over instead of being contained. That's when I let the sadness in and don't try to push it away. No, I am not always sad with Ben haha, we always have fun together. I just mean I am so comfortable being myself around him. I'm so thankful for grace.

I don't really know the purpose of this post but to express my feelings as of late. And to say thank you to those people who ask what I need from them right now. If you do ask me, I'll try to tell you as best I can. Sometimes, it's just a chai hehe :)

one week.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

It's been a week since my Dad went to go see Jesus. It's been a crazy week. A painful week.

I want to write about how amazing my Dad is. I think I will do snippets gradually. One of the hardest things about my Dad being gone is having to talk in the past tense. I HATE IT SO MUCH. So I'm not going to right now.

Wednesday was the Memorial Service for my Dad and it was SO AMAZING. Don't get me wrong, it was extremely painful and sad....but it was so joyful as well. My family and I wanted it to be a celebration of Dad's life. Of the incredible encouragement he has always and will always be to everyone. Bobby (the one who married Ben and I) was the one who spoke at Dad's graveside and memorial. My goodness Jesus answered my prayers specifically with the words Bobby spoke. Some things I don't think I even prayed for, but Jesus knew what I wanted and needed.

I wish I could fully express the way my heart felt those hours on July 3rd. Jesus is so sweet to know exactly what each of my family members needed to hear. I am so grateful that I have a life with Jesus. I can't imagine how people feel when their Dad dies and they have no Hope.

My Jesus knows my sensitive and tender heart. He has held me so close the past few weeks. It makes me cry to thing how comforting He has been. He gave me the best friends in the world. It is incredible how much a community can affect your life. Those people know who they are. They dropped everything to make sure I was okay, to do anything to give comfort, to show tangibly how they love me. It's so hard to explain the way my soul felt this past week. I mean, THANK YOU JESUS. He is so gracious and SO loving. As I write, I just cry because He is so good.

I'm not an expert on the grieving process. I do know that there has been a sense of grief the past 3.5 years my Dad has been sick but it doesn't compare to this. It's been messy and raw. I go through waves almost. Happiness, sadness, joy, heart-breaking pain, longing, and contentment. I know it's necessary. It helps to write now. I haven't had much alone time, or rest-time. This helps.

I don't know what this blog will look like in the coming months. I am just bursting at the seems right now to tell everyone that HE IS FAITHFUL. He keeps showing me that, so sweetly. I trust Him. I really do. I feel so close to my family. We have a bond that can't be broken! And I am so thankful for my husband, I love him so much.

If Dad was here right now, I know he'd tell me: "You're awesome. You're beautiful. I love you."

I miss him so much. I know he's just sitting at Jesus' feet right now praising Him. What a crazy picture!
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