Sunday, July 28, 2013

It's been a whole month since my Daddy went to Jesus. Oh how I miss him so. I miss his hands a lot of the time. I'm not sure why. I guess because a big portion of my childhood was spent coming back to holding his hand.

I think about how I'm an adult now. How I have a real job and have real responsibilities. I think about how Dad and Mom helped to prepare me to be a wife. I question lately if I'm ready to be an adult. Having him gone makes me anxious sometimes because I can't ask him any advice or questions anymore. I don't remember questioning this before I got married. I have been thinking about this point a lot. What if my car breaks down? Who will I ask? What about investments? What about when Ben and I want to buy a house someday? What about when we name our first child? Are Ben and I doing a good job and being wise? These questions are ones I wish I had the ability to ask my Dad.

I just MISS him. It's an aching feeling, not always painful, just an ache. Really hard to describe. The best way to describe it is like an ocean. With waves coming in I feel overwhelmed with sadness or missing or anger. Mainly sadness. It hits me like the tide. I don't expect it sometimes. I watched the memorial slideshow for the first time on Friday. I thought to myself, "Kambly, you've already seen it, you won't cry at all!" Oops. Fail. Of course I sobbed. Combo of the pics and the songs. The tide crashed into my soul and squeezed out all my emotions. You just feel dry after these things. Kinda like sand I suppose. I feel raw and drained after I weep. It's healing almost.

Like every situation that is sad, there is also GOOD. Jesus is so incredibly faithful. When the tide draws back, I continue to feel restored. Songs and scripture have really ministered to me lately. I LOVE MUSIC. I love to sing, I don't care if I sing well. I just love it. Every time the waves go back into the ocean, I feel Jesus build me up again. I feel stronger than I did before. The current is strong. I can see myself being shaped in the sand. I can feel it. I am a Woman of Faith. I never thought this before...I do now. I am a woman of strong emotion. Jesus loves me for this. He loves the way I feel and express it. He's told me so many times that it is OKAY to look differently when I grieve. I am a beautiful painting. With strong and vivid colors. My life is plastered upon the canvas. You can see the mountains Jesus and I have climbed. You can see the pits I've dwelled before. He was there too. I see the painting alive with color, so vibrant. Jesus calls to me with colors and music. He shows me that I am a work of art. I am worth spending time on. I am worth knowing.

My Dad used to always tell me towards the end of his life that I was "awesome." It became his word to say. I cried as I watched this video from a few months ago. Dad couldn't speak for a while, but he always mouthed what he wanted to communicate. In this video he says, "I love you Kambly. You're awesome."

He always loved so well. I miss him telling me that. Also- I have found so much comfort in this song lately. Listen. 

Psalms 42:7-8 (NLT)
"I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me. But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life."

Psalm 93:3-4 (MSG)
"Sea storms are up, God,
Sea storms wild and roaring,
Sea storms with thunderous breakers.

Stronger than wild sea storms,
Mightier than sea-storm breakers,
Mighty God rules from High Heaven."


  1. Sweet Kambly- My heart breaks for you still. It is okay to be raw- to feel- to hurt- and to be angry at times. Your honesty brings me to tears. I have experienced the loss of a close loved one and I know that it takes time to move past the grief.

    You are so precious and so Honoring to God with your words. Even though you hurt, you still give Him glory and you "Praise Him in the rain." God sees that and your reverence for Him will be rewarded with a deeper relationship with Him. He loves you and He longs for you to cling to Him in your pain.

    Sweet girl, while we never 'get over' the loss of a loved one, in time the hurt does fade and God allows us to see how he is able to work "all things for good to those that serve Him."

    In your anguish, as you cry out to God realize that He did not want this suffering for you. This was not His plan for your family and it breaks His heart to see you in pain. He comforts you-and always will- when those waves of sadness come crashing down on you but one day, when you least expect it, you will be able to see how he is able to use this time in your life to allow you to help someone else that is hurting. He has a plan for you sweet girl- and He will carry you though this.

    Amy Haga

  2. Yes, it is so very, very sad to not to be able to talk to Kirk anymore, until we get to Heaven ourselves. It does so often feel so unfair for that Kirk was taken from us. I really feel the pain for his children and wife even though I miss him as my dearest, sweet son. He has always been such a delight and leader for all of our family. Praises that we have a loving God to help us get through it all. It would be completely unbearable if our Lord, our friends, and loved ones were not here to comfort us.


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