all that is within me.

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Lately I've had so many thoughts. I realize this implies I don't typically think but it's like my mind has been on overload.

So many enlightening things. The past few months I've felt plagued with anxiety. I believe that this feeling is definitely a choice to give into. All that is within me has been straining and reaching. Grasping for something. Aching to cling onto something, anything that will sustain me. This has looked like a great deal of crying and reading scripture and screaming worship music. My times with Jesus have felt a sense of somberness. It's not necessarily sadness, more of a deep realization of my ache and need.

I've needed encouragement and I've needed comfort. I've ached for worthiness and a justification of grief or my feelings. I've compared my grief with others. I've compared my life with others. It stole my deep-seated joy. My joy became fleeting in a sense. Depending on moment to moment. The moments would pass and I would feel empty, not like myself. I know who I am. I know Kambly is a woman with contagious joy. I've felt it's been taken from time to time.

I believe the biggest culprit of my joy being stolen is comparison. Comparison STEALS my joy in a heartbeat.

Ben and I have talked about this COUNTLESS times since being married. Marriage has the beautiful ability of really bringing things to light sometimes. Can't hide joy being stolen. Can't hide horrible feelings of self-worth from your life partner. Love it.

It is completely ridiculous how I can be completely content with our life and then start down an instagram trail where I start thinking crazy loathful thoughts. I start to hate that I'm a teacher in a low income area. I start to hate that Ben is in school. I start to hate our small apartment. THAT IS NOT WHO I AM. It is not my identity. I love my job. I love that Ben is learning and making cool things happen in Waco/Baylor. I LOVE our comfy cozy apartment. And I like all the quirky decorations we have!

I realized while I was listening to Be Still by Bethel that my mind sometimes won't STOP (**ah the blessings of being a girl**). I start to look for areas and outlets to occupy my mind. I start to look for pretty pictures or things that create discontentment in my heart. Ben and I have been practicing over the last year of taking these obstacles away for periods of time (because I can't just go cold turkey forever, I like being in the know!! :) ). Sometimes we go on social media fasts. Lately we've started this new thing that I LOVE...Phone Free Fridays. The rules are simple: only using phone for direct contact with individuals. Example: "Hey, y'all want to go bowling?" No other things on the phone allowed! IT'S AWESOME. And it makes you realize how much you pick up your phone to do mindless things. Grrrrrrr. 

Long story short, I am in the practice of being still. 

And I like this quote:
"God won't try to speak over the noise in our lives. Rest is holy. We won't hear what we don't pause to listen for."--Love Does

Being still for me looks like this lately: choosing not to be anxious. getting up really early to relish in stillness. choosing to find joy in my job. having intentional connection time with my husband. not meeting up with a ton of people. listening to lots of music. crying about dad. laying in bed a few extra minutes to recognize the comfyness. lots of crying. lots of chai. cuddling with my stuffed bunny. letting Him win my heart. repeating Truth over and over. pampering. staring off into space. lavender vanilla fabric softener. candles. grieving.

be still my heart and know You are God alone. stop thinking so much. and just let go. be still my soul and rest. humbly I confess. in my weakness, Your strength is perfect. for You alone are God. there will be no other. and You have won my heart. more than any other. 

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