I updated my blog! It's been forever since I've written and today I kept thinking about writing. I don't know what God is doing right now but it seems that in hard seasons, He wants me to write. So here I go.

Gosh so much has happened the past few years. I used to write in this space a ton and it helped me process the grief during my Dad's journey through ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease). You can read more about that in my previous posts. I honestly haven't even looked at my past posts but be forewarned that I started this blog while in college so who knows ;)

Today, I've felt the nudging to write about our current season. Oh how I wish we weren't here. It feels really vulnerable and like I'm opening my heart to everyone. But I guess it is. There's risk in vulnerability and I'm willing to risk. You'll need a little background to understand. About a year ago, Ben and I wrote a lot of hopes, dreams and prayers onto a rubber ducky that we put in the shower. We prayed for the things on the rubber ducky every day when we saw it in the shower. One of the things on the duck is "future family." We were in no way ready to have a baby and we were both very adamant about not wanting kids anytime soon. But God. He has a way of changing people's minds and as we started to pray for all these hopes and dreams, He changed our hearts. Ben and I had a conversation one day and I told him I was ready to start trying to have a baby and Ben told me he felt the same. We decided to start trying after we bought a house. Jesus worked in an incredible way and provided finances for us to put a significant amount of money down on a house and we moved in at the beginning of March.

We heard Jesus tell us to start trying right before that. I remember when we bought prenatal vitamins, we were SO EXCITED and I was dancing down the Target aisle. I felt like Jesus told me I was going to get pregnant right away but I was so fearful that something would be wrong blah blah blah. Ben is the ever optimist and thank the Lord for that!!! We took a test on Mother's Day and found out I was pregnant! I think I took like 5 tests that day and we told both our families :) When we went to the doctor, they told us the test came back negative. Cue all my fears coming to reality. I was terrified. TERRIFIED. And so confused. The next week I kept having to get my blood drawn and at the end of the week, the doctor told us that we would miscarry. I did and we were so sad. We named our baby Praise and there is something incredibly bittersweet that my Dad got to meet our baby before we did in Heaven.

The next few months were spent "trying" and every month of disappointment felt so grievous. I know grief but this type of grief is completely different. It's like all the stages every month and it is THE WORST. Side note: I know we haven't been trying that long according to the doctor or others who have walked this journey much longer than us. I can't imagine how it feels for those who have spent years longing for a baby. 

Well I switched doctors and got into one of the best in Austin (THANK YOU JESUS). At my appointment it took him 2 seconds to tell me I have cysts all over my ovaries. Cool. He put me on birth control and a fertility medication. The first round failed. Now we are on the 2nd round.

I never thought I would be here. Every time someone would ask me what I wanted to do when I grew up I would say, "I want to be a mom." Every. Single. Time. Even in college. So you can imagine how devastating it feels to have to go to a doctor and be handed a packet about Infertility. I feel like my hope has been deferred for so long and it feels completely unfair. It hurts when people tell me we haven't been trying for that long because it FEELS LIKE A REALLY LONG TIME. I know I know that in the grand scheme of life, it's not.

To be honest, I've really felt distant from Jesus in this season. I told Ben that I feel like I can't trust him with the desires of my heart because all the BIG things I've prayed for haven't been answered with "yes." I was thinking of my Dad being healed, our baby Praise living, Ben being healed from diabetes etc.

Then I had the thought, that's a lie. Jesus showed me the big things that have been answered YES to: marrying the greatest man IN THE WORLD, my heart being healed from brokenness, having best friends like sisters, restored relationship with my mom, finances for a house, my family being freed from debt, addiction broken for a family member, the perfect dog for us...and so on. He showed me that He is faithful in the big. He is. He told me it's okay to feel so broken right now and to still feel a little broken from the grief of my Daddy.

This is who I am right now. I'm hurting. And I really think it's okay to not have a big silver lining. I've read about Abraham and Sarah over and over and I know our time will come because I know that Jesus created me to be a Mom. But right now, it's really hard and it's really painful. I'm glad that I feel deeply because I know that when we have our own baby in our arms, it will all be worth it and we will be that much more grateful for the life He gave us.

We know He's in the waiting and I'm working on letting Him reveal all the places He is there during this season.

don't give up.

Never give up is what my family's motto has always been. Never give up is what my mom and dad always used to tell me.

When I was in middle school, I remember that I decided to play volleyball. I'm not sure why, because no one in our family was particularly skilled at this sport and I certainly wasn't. All my friends were playing so I decided to as well. One day, my dad was trying to practice "bumping" the ball back and forth and I sucked SO bad. Gosh, I was terrible. My Dad was getting visibly frustrated. I remember thinking, "Oh great. I knew I was bad. I knew it." Coming from a family of 3 brothers who are all exceptionally skilled at baseball, I was so ashamed to be so bad at something that should be easy for me! It has a ball! I have hand-eye coordination! Why wasn't this working!? But my Dad would NOT let me give up. When I started to cry because I felt so terrible, he told me, "Kam, you're going to get better. Keep practicing. Never give up!!"

I was thinking about that today because I have been in a serious funk. It's caused me to have a storm of thoughts and emotions constantly bombarding my mind and making me feel like crap. "Never Give Up!" But what if I want to? What if I feel there are no other options? What if it hurts so much to keep going and to not give up?

There are things that I wish I could talk to my Dad about. I wish he could talk to me about my questions. I wish he was here and could tell me how he got through the pain he went through and the bankruptcy and the heartache. I wish he could tell me to never give up, one more time.

It doesn't haunt me consistently like it used to, to think about my Dad. I picture my mind is like a fortified castle. When a thought penetrates my mind's outer walls about my Dad, I assess the threat. Is it a good thought? A good memory? Will this memory cause me pain? Will I cry and will my heart ache? Most of the time, I don't let the thought get too far. I don't let it really sink in. Because there are 16 other people around me and I can't cry to them and tell them I don't know why my Dad isn't here anymore. I don't know why. But sometimes, I do let the thoughts get through the outer walls and they do crush me for a time. It's okay, I know, but it hurts so badly and I don't like it. I hate that people don't have the words. I understand, but it sucks. I hate that I don't know why my Dad wasn't healed when I asked Jesus persistently.

I don't know how to explain the feelings I feel when I really think about how there are so many things I don't understand. I have asked Jesus . He reminds me that He's good. That it's His character to heal and it's His character to save and it's His character to bind up the wounds. I know that He's still good. I'm so thankful that my Dad showed me a glimpse of the Father heart of God.

Tonight, I imagine my Abba Father. He's holding my hand. He's telling me not to give up. He's telling me that it's okay to have funky seasons that don't feel right. He's telling me to keep going. Patience and waiting are refining me. He's telling me that I'm becoming more beautiful even though I don't think so. Anxiety will not win. Don't give up on the fight. You're not alone.

the last time I saw him.

the last time I saw my dad was the day before he died. I was home for almost a week in round rock. driving back and forth from my parent's house to the Christopher House in east austin. I really hated that place. seemed like a place that people went and didn't leave. at this point, my dad couldn't talk really. it's so hard to remember. i've been trying to go back in my mind lately to remember things that are so painful that it hurts. but I feel like it's necessary and it helps to write out.

dad was in so much pain. I can't even imagine. when I get a migraine and feel like I'm going to just collapse in pain, I think about the pain my dad lived through for almost 4 years. it literally makes my heart break. not necessary to dwell on. moving on.

dad was in the Christopher House for a little less than a week. it's basically a hospice place. he barely ate anything. I can't even remember if he did. he was so frail. so so thin. I can't remember why, but they said that dad could go home. I think he was sick and had gotten better. we thought, at least I thought, that he was on the mend. when we got home, he wouldn't eat but he drank coke. I got to feed him coke and it gave me so much joy because he wouldn't ever drink it while he was sick.

the night I left, I was reading God of the Impossible by Susan Peters (really recommend), to my dad. there is a part in the book that has healing scriptures and I just kept reading them to my dad. after that, I asked dad if I could worship with him. I sang mainly since he couldn't. he was laughing at my voice I think :) I remember I didn't want to leave that night but felt like I should to be home in waco. I don't know why. an emotional break I suppose. I left thursday night. he died in the night on friday.

I never thought he would die from that crappy disease. I really believed he wouldn't. when my mom called me in the middle of the night, I just ached. the worst pain in the world is getting that call in the middle of the night. packing for a funeral. packing clothes that your dad will never see again.

it's so hard to think about the painful parts of my dad's death. really most of them are painful because I miss him so much. but I think that right now is the first time that I realized that the last moments I had with my dad, were in worship. in church the other day, the pastor was saying that everyone remembers the last words that you have with a person you loved that has died. I don't remember the last words my dad ever physically spoke to me. but I do remember that our last moments together were worshipping Jesus. I hope that I can leave a legacy like that.

I miss him so much. no one will ever replace my daddy. now he's doing exactly what he probably left earth doing. his last breath here on earth was his first breath with Jesus and eternal life and freedom from pain.

I love you daddy and I miss you so incredibly much.
you're little girl forever,
kam

dearest lauren.

dear lauren,

working with you is probably the best thing ever. there is just something about doing something hard and good along with a bestest friend. I think it's pretty cool we get to do that. 

I remember when we used to share stories of teaching before we worked together and they never seemed real to either of us. now it feels like we both live in what we are saying. 

I think you are the best teacher in the whole world. I know what you're thinking right now, YES YOU ARE! you cry when your littles cry, you ache when they ache, and you love them like Jesus. you teach them things that are essential. you teach them things that are funny. how do I know? because I have some of them in my class now :) you pour out your life to the kindergartners in your class. and I am forever grateful for that. 

sometimes you leave me notes in my classroom like little verses or encouraging words. you must know that is my love language or something ;) you're really good at that. loving people where they're at and how they need it. I see it every day. 

I guess the thing I'm so grateful for is that I get to see you every day. that's pretty special in this stage of life. it's just so nice that I can come cry to you or laugh with you at any point during the day. you get me. 

today someone pointed out how we have stayed friends since we met at the school we now work at. when they pointed that out, millions of memories flooded my mind: your old lakehouse, sharing groceries in college, being in each other's weddings, sitting next to each other on the first day of 6th grade, sharing clothes, trips together, and sleepovers. probably my most meaningful memory of you that came to mind also breaks my heart. I'm sure you know. it's when you came to the christopher house the week before dad died and just sat with us. you were so sweet to dad, even though he couldn't talk. it makes me cry to think about your incredible heart. I don't want to bring up something sad, but I think that moment really made a mark on me. I'm just so thankful for you laur. 

being friends with you has brought be closer to Jesus. being friends with you has changed my life. you have never given up on me even though I am absolutely crazy or emotional or yelling or jealous or selfish or rude or not caring. thanks for showing me a love I still don't fully understand. thanks for being a friendship that lasts. you are such a treasure. 

kam

dear ben,

thanks for going to work every day. you work really hard. and thank you for being SO gracious about me not waking up when your alarm goes off. i know you always tell me that i don't need to at all, but a part of me feels bad to sleep in since i still have summer. and i just like to watch you get ready. you're handsome. 

thank you for listening to me. even when i have irrational fears that there are fleas infesting our house. thanks for also going to the store with me to get spray. thanks for helping me spray every surface of the house with said flea spray....just in case ;)

thanks for listening to my ideas. my personal fav...the poop dr. app (for humans). i think it's a really good idea. and you told me it was. you also gave me an idea for a second app. the poop vet (for animals). i think it would be very informational. hah. 

after seeing Monsters University last summer

thanks for telling me i don't look like a lizard even though my back and legs are peeling. also thanks for being there to always put sunscreen on my back. except for the time that resulted in the peeling mentioned above. 

thanks for acting interested when i talk about things that excite me. like decorating. i know you don't care. but then again you DO. because i do. you're a really good teammate. 

thanks for loving soccer before the world cup started. i guess this baseball-brain-washed-girl is starting to see why you love it so much. i still don't understand why someone would get a yellow card for fouling a goal keeper. i guess it's like their catcher like in baseball? maybe like why they put in all those rules because of what happened to buster posey?? 

thanks for being adorable. i mean, really. from your obsession with the royals, to your intense love of sweets (despite your diabetes), to your crazy awesome hair when you wake up, to your chaco tan line, to your incredibly green eyes, and to how excited you get when i care about sports.

you're pretty much the best. i love you.

crying is okay

one year.

i miss my dad. i watched his memorial video/slideshow last night and it opened the wound afresh. the wound i keep tightly covered with a bandaid every day, in fear that the sadness will overwhelm. i believe there is a balance...between the grief and choosing joy. yesterday i let myself feel the weight of grief, and i know it's okay. i felt so weak. i felt that i was weak to be so upset.

i cried because i don't remember his voice. i don't remember him telling me he loves me with his own voice. he used to always do that. "i love you kambly. i'm proud of you."

i cried because as i make decisions with my husband, i wish i could ask his opinion. i wish i could talk to him about saving for the future and living in the now. i wish he would tell me all the things he learned about money....just one more time.

i cried because i miss him and baseball. i miss him explaining things and cheering for teams that are no good.

i cried because life has moved on. people's lives have moved on. mine has in some ways, but also not. i still remember. and it is still fresh to me.

i cried because i don't feel like i'm his daughter anymore. i know i am, but i don't feel like it. it's been so long. i miss having a daddy. i miss an earthly daddy.

i cried out of anger. i hate that he won't be there in the hospital when i have my first child someday. i hate that he will never know that i want to give my child his name. i hate that he won't ever be able to hug me and cry tears of joy because of the beautiful human(s) that jesus will give me and ben someday. i hate that he won't be there. i feel angry he won't get to take care of my kids. i feel so angry he won't ever know how many kids ben and i will have or if we will adopt.

i cried out of envy. it's wrong to be jealous, i know. but i envy people who still have their dad to call, text, hug, love, cherish, send cards to, get angry at, or just be with.

i cried because even though it has only been a year, so many things are new in my life that he will never know about. our new apartment. our dog. my love to cook. our new goals. so many things began after he left.

i cried because i miss his love of food. i miss him taking me out to eat. i miss him getting sunflower seeds and drinking coke, my favorite. i miss him laughing at ben's silly jokes.

i cried ugly, BIG, nasty tears. and ben was there. and jesus was there. and they held me. i couldn't breathe.

no, it hasn't gotten easier. no, time hasn't made it better. no, i don't miss him less.

yes, jesus is still good! yes, i still have the hope He has given me! yes, He gives me peace every single day! yes, there are so many good things in my life! yes, i am happy!

to apey, laur and lads: thank you for saying, "i'll be there when you need me." and thank you for knowing when i need to be alone.
to my family: thank you for getting it.
to ben: thank you for holding me and never letting me go.
to jesus: thank you for your grace, you overwhelm me with your goodness and faithfulness every day. your love knows no limits.

it's a journey. it's healing to write about sometimes.

kambly

dearest husband.

my dear husband, 

what would I do without you. last night you gave me my valentine's present early. I love that about us. how we can NEVER wait till the actual holiday or birthday to give each other presents. it's our quirk. I also love that we kept our christmas tree up until the end of january. some people may call it lazy, I think it's because we wanted to stay in the dreamy holiday a bit longer. we love twinkly lights. 

last night you talked on the phone with one of your best friends. I love how you always, without fail, pace when you are on the phone. you do it when you brush your teeth too. 

last night you made pizza for us because I wasn't feeling good. I love that you accidentally left the cardboard under it so the dough was still mushy. you told me you liked it mushy. I love how you always like everything just a little chewy. I'd rather have it crispy. 

this morning you took fenway outside, like you always do, so that I could spend time with Jesus. only today, I didn't get to because I woke up so late. when you came back inside, your glasses were all fogged up. you're such a good puppy daddy. 

this morning you shaved your beard. I love when you shave. you always do it so sneaky-like as to see if i'll notice. 

this morning you made stuffed peppers and left them in the fridge so you could start them at lunch. you're a stuffed pepper pro. I really did marry up. 

today you came home to check on me at lunch since I left school sick. you tried to get ice skating on the computer for me because you know that's my favorite part of the olympics. you always help make me feel better. 

today you came home to me watching seven brides for seven brothers and talked to me about it. it's flipping awesome you have seen these kind of movies. 

you listened when I cried about missing my dad so much it hurts. you listened when I told you about every valentines he would give me a sparkly card and sign it with a heart around his name. it's been so hard lately. hurts to think about.

today we have clean laundry all over our bedroom. who knows if we will fold it tonight. 

right now you're in class. you are the hardest worker I know. it's not even because you work ridiculously hard, it's because you don't complain while doing it. while I sit and talk about how tired I am, you sit and listen even though you've worked just as many hours as me + school + job searching. 

I think you're a superhero. every day at school, I can't help but mention you, mr. belz. I tell my kids that you're my best friend. because you are. and they think it's weird. 

thanks for making every day memorable. 

love you.

kam