I updated my blog! It's been forever since I've written and today I kept thinking about writing. I don't know what God is doing right now but it seems that in hard seasons, He wants me to write. So here I go.

Gosh so much has happened the past few years. I used to write in this space a ton and it helped me process the grief during my Dad's journey through ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease). You can read more about that in my previous posts. I honestly haven't even looked at my past posts but be forewarned that I started this blog while in college so who knows ;)

Today, I've felt the nudging to write about our current season. Oh how I wish we weren't here. It feels really vulnerable and like I'm opening my heart to everyone. But I guess it is. There's risk in vulnerability and I'm willing to risk. You'll need a little background to understand. About a year ago, Ben and I wrote a lot of hopes, dreams and prayers onto a rubber ducky that we put in the shower. We prayed for the things on the rubber ducky every day when we saw it in the shower. One of the things on the duck is "future family." We were in no way ready to have a baby and we were both very adamant about not wanting kids anytime soon. But God. He has a way of changing people's minds and as we started to pray for all these hopes and dreams, He changed our hearts. Ben and I had a conversation one day and I told him I was ready to start trying to have a baby and Ben told me he felt the same. We decided to start trying after we bought a house. Jesus worked in an incredible way and provided finances for us to put a significant amount of money down on a house and we moved in at the beginning of March.

We heard Jesus tell us to start trying right before that. I remember when we bought prenatal vitamins, we were SO EXCITED and I was dancing down the Target aisle. I felt like Jesus told me I was going to get pregnant right away but I was so fearful that something would be wrong blah blah blah. Ben is the ever optimist and thank the Lord for that!!! We took a test on Mother's Day and found out I was pregnant! I think I took like 5 tests that day and we told both our families :) When we went to the doctor, they told us the test came back negative. Cue all my fears coming to reality. I was terrified. TERRIFIED. And so confused. The next week I kept having to get my blood drawn and at the end of the week, the doctor told us that we would miscarry. I did and we were so sad. We named our baby Praise and there is something incredibly bittersweet that my Dad got to meet our baby before we did in Heaven.

The next few months were spent "trying" and every month of disappointment felt so grievous. I know grief but this type of grief is completely different. It's like all the stages every month and it is THE WORST. Side note: I know we haven't been trying that long according to the doctor or others who have walked this journey much longer than us. I can't imagine how it feels for those who have spent years longing for a baby. 

Well I switched doctors and got into one of the best in Austin (THANK YOU JESUS). At my appointment it took him 2 seconds to tell me I have cysts all over my ovaries. Cool. He put me on birth control and a fertility medication. The first round failed. Now we are on the 2nd round.

I never thought I would be here. Every time someone would ask me what I wanted to do when I grew up I would say, "I want to be a mom." Every. Single. Time. Even in college. So you can imagine how devastating it feels to have to go to a doctor and be handed a packet about Infertility. I feel like my hope has been deferred for so long and it feels completely unfair. It hurts when people tell me we haven't been trying for that long because it FEELS LIKE A REALLY LONG TIME. I know I know that in the grand scheme of life, it's not.

To be honest, I've really felt distant from Jesus in this season. I told Ben that I feel like I can't trust him with the desires of my heart because all the BIG things I've prayed for haven't been answered with "yes." I was thinking of my Dad being healed, our baby Praise living, Ben being healed from diabetes etc.

Then I had the thought, that's a lie. Jesus showed me the big things that have been answered YES to: marrying the greatest man IN THE WORLD, my heart being healed from brokenness, having best friends like sisters, restored relationship with my mom, finances for a house, my family being freed from debt, addiction broken for a family member, the perfect dog for us...and so on. He showed me that He is faithful in the big. He is. He told me it's okay to feel so broken right now and to still feel a little broken from the grief of my Daddy.

This is who I am right now. I'm hurting. And I really think it's okay to not have a big silver lining. I've read about Abraham and Sarah over and over and I know our time will come because I know that Jesus created me to be a Mom. But right now, it's really hard and it's really painful. I'm glad that I feel deeply because I know that when we have our own baby in our arms, it will all be worth it and we will be that much more grateful for the life He gave us.

We know He's in the waiting and I'm working on letting Him reveal all the places He is there during this season.

{My heart will burst at the thought of..}

1. My dad being healed. Oh how I wait for that blessed day that his body finally responds to the promise written in the Scripture. The promise that He has already paid the price. We are saved. "Saved" in the Bible comes from the Greek word sozo. Sozo means several things: cured, ensured salvation, get well, made well, recovered and restored. Restored is my favorite. I love the notion that He restores me daily. He restores me mentally, physically and emotionally. He has restored everyone of us when He died for us...by His stripes we are healed- Isaiah 53:5. 
2. Having my own home. I get butterflies when I think about the tiny house that I so want in the future! It will be warm and cozy and clean. There will always be pillows and blankets in the living room so I can lay on the floor with loved ones and talk about life as we know it. There will be candles to make me feel like I am walking into a perfectly lovely store. I want a tin roof to fall asleep under with the rain pitter-pattering like a noise machine app on my phone. I want a rap-around porch with rocking chairs that I can sit and rock away the years with family. I want a yard with a swing on the tree so I can watch the world while swaying with the wind. I want flowers because there really isn't any better smell than freshly planted flowers in mulch. I want lots of crazy mugs that show how many places I've traveled and drank delicious chai and (hopefully) coffee. I want my bathroom mirrors to be covered in verses and Truths. I want mason jars and twinkle lights all over. I want a crafty room for the kiddies with chalkboard walls. I just can't wait for a home. 
Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zero's - A Take Away Show from La Blogotheque on Vimeo
3. Europe in the winter! OH I cannot wait till I get to Europe and teach the little ones and travel and all things good. I have a feeling I will want to stay. Can't wait to pretend I'm really artsy fartsy. 
4. Becoming a teacher. I can't wait to love my students. I can't wait to know all of their names and little of what makes them up. I can't wait to write down silly quotes and take silly pictures of crumbs on their face or their shirts inside out. I can't wait to welcome them with a hug every morning and push them out of my class in the afternoon :)

I sometimes get so happy thinking about the future and what is to come! Joy joy joy joy down in my heart, YAY! 

I love the here and now. But as Anne Shirley says: tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it. 

I never knew...

Dear family, I never knew how strong you were until that was our only choice we had. 

Thanks for letting me be a part of all of your crazy lives. You are so loved. 

Kam

my christmas miracle.

well the fam has been really struggling with money lately. no surprise since my dad can't work anymore. it's gotten really difficult for him to talk/walk. i've been stressing and worrying about how i'm going to not only survive the baylor materialism mindset but how my family is going to pay the bills. 

it really is silly that i was so overwhelmed. i always do this! typical kambly, picking up the burdens and worries that He tells me to leave behind with Him. 

my family has a really cool, unique story of how the Lord has provided to us when we had literally no way to pay the bills. for example, when i was a freshman in high school, our car got repossessed at least 2 times (i would ask my parents but they aren't home). if you aren't familiar with what it means to get your car repossessed, look it up. it's humiliating and extremely humbling to look out the window and watch our car get towed away (i don't know if i've ever thought about that before). well our neighbors paid for us to get it back once and somehow we were miraculously given money the second time. 

our ac has broken during the summer....no way to pay for it to get fixed....and we find an envelope of cash in our mailbox. countless stories such as these and i STILL WORRY. 

get it together kam, get it together. 

so i'm sure you're wondering (you few people who read my blog) what it is that happened?! what is this christmas miracle that is referenced in your title!?!?!? 

let. me. tell. you.

fact one: we have no money. fact two: no christmas presents this year. fact three: life sucks.

BOOM

some ladies my mom used to work with tell her to come to the preschool because they have a present for her. mom and i walk in and they are all standing in a circle. they give her an envelope with a $500 visa gift card and and a $500 check. cue the waterworks from mom. bawling. i'm shockingly able to keep it together. all the ladies move and there are three little christmas trees and a poster with gift cards and cash covering them (money really does grow on trees!). every year, each preschool class chooses a family in need that they can help. every class chose ours. once again, humbling. wanna see a picture? here i'll show you.

as you can see...lots of gift cards to lots of places. wanna know how much it added up to be? 

i'll show you that too.

 

yea. ummm. speechless. God REALLY provides.

oh! another cool thing: this lady wrote my parents a letter and was like "i want to give you something that lasts longer than a night" etc and basically said that since she is an occupational therapist, her clinic place is going to look at our house for free and tell us what improvements need to be made for my dad. 

well people. if you are worrying about money....just stop. because He will provide. He will. HE WILL!

i hope this brings you happiness. because He once again showed up and totally rocked my stupid human mind. i hope He rocks yours this christmas season

it truly was a christmas miracle. i'm feeling a really corny song coming on right about now....

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

happy turkey day!

holidays are hard, i've decided. everything is different these days.  

reminder to self: give thanks for the good :)

cute little turkey treats!

#1 thing i'm thankful for today: another thanksgiving with daddy.

47.

Dear Dad,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! Woa, 47, you’re old. You’d never think it! First of all, thanks for being my dad. Not just my dad, but my friend and example. Thank you for being in my life these 21 years. I really feel so blessed when I talk about you because not many dads cared to be as involved as you. It really means a lot to me. The other day I was asked one thing that my dad has taught me or led by example and I really couldn’t think of just one thing. I eventually nailed it to choice. I have the choice to be sad and dwell on something, or I have the choice to move on and make the best out of every situation. Thanks for being such an example, a godly example, that I couldn’t think of one thing easily. I told my friend that my life is comprised of so many things and beliefs that are the same as my parents. I’m grateful for that. Life is full of choices. It’s the choices that we make that either keep us focused on ourselves, or glorify Him.

I’m excited it is your birthday today, Dad. I love seeing how many people love you. I love hearing stories about how you have affected people. I love that the boys are getting baptized today just like I was baptized 6 years ago. I love that you led all of my brothers to Christ. You’re the coolest.

There are so many memories that are so sweet to me, Dad. I remember our “first date” to Lion King. I am thankful that you set the standard to how I expect guys to treat me. Thanks for treating mom well. I really don’t what I’d be like if it wasn’t for you. Your involvement and care has helped me become who I am today. I remember you swinging us around in big blankets in the living room. I remember you playing “chase” with us even though you were exhausted from working all day. I remember you always taking us to Wells Branch and the “Castle Park.” I remember bike rides. I remember you teaching me how to ride my bike. I remember you teaching me how to drive. I remember you tucking me in every night. I remember being scared at night and you staying till I fell asleep. I remember “Jelly Belly” when I had growing pains. I remember that one time I cried wolf and you got so mad at me haha.  I remember you comforting me when my heart was broken. I remember you going on dates with mom. I remember you driving me to TP my friends’ houses. One of my favorite memories is your prayer journal. I love the look of composition notebooks because it reminds me of your prayers. I remember how one time we were looking on the bottom of your closet and found boxes and boxes of prayers since you were 13 years old. Thanks for that. You’re such an example. Thanks forshowing what it looks like to pursue the Lord.

Dad, you are the most amazing man I know. I’m so proud to call you my encouraging father. Dad, someday when you can’t walk because of this disease you have, I’ll be there. I’ll push your wheelchair. I’ll hold your hand while we go down the aisle together. And Dad, when you can’t talk because of this disease, I’ll remember what your voice sounded like. I’ll remember you praying with me every night. Thank you from showing me what it means to love. Thank you for loving me greatly. Thank you for sacrificing. I can’t express my gratitude. You are the best dad I could fathom. I wouldn’t trade these awesome, crazy, hard, fun 21 years with you for anything. Love you so much Daddy.

kam

big bad news.

A lot of people have been asking me how I am, now knowing that my dad is going to die. Well as expected, I am not okay haha. I've always said "I don't know what I would do without my dad" and so thinking about what I'm ACTUALLY going to have to do without my dad is scaring the crap out of me. I feel like I can see all the things that are going to happen, like my dad not being there when I get married, or when I have kids. I see them and I feel the pain and weight of that knowledge just pushing at the outskirts of my mind. Trying to break free and crush me under sadness.

Yea, I know that God has a plan and that it will be good in the long run. I do know that. I know that God's ultimate purpose in allowing this to happen is so that He is glorified. I know all the Sunday school answers for why my dad is sick. But it's not really what I need to hear right now. I mean, this sucks. Really bad. For my whole family. If you're looking to comfort me, right now, I just need you to BE with me. Hug me when I cry, cry with me, talk about how bad this sucks. That's where I'm at right now.

I know the Lord provides. I've experienced miracles. It's hard to pray for a miracle that my dad be healed when the doctors say it's impossible. But then again, I do worship the God of the Impossible. I will lean on the Lord for comfort because He is the only true comforter. He did lose His only Son.

Funny, I get a bible verse every morning on my phone and He is so faithful with encouraging me:

"We do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day."

2 Corinthians 4:16

Hahah, my dad just informed me that he wants to move to Beliz. OKAY dad.

dear dad...

Wow what to say. Thank you?  Thank you for making Jesus the cornerstone of our family. Thank you for showing what it means to selflessly love. Thank you for never putting yourself first. Thank you for sacrificing jobs and dreams to keep us kids in the same school. Thank you for showing what it means to be a good husband, a man worthy of that title. Thanks for all those dates, just me and you, from the Lion King to Starbucks. Thank you for showing what it means to be a parent, encouraging and offering up wise council when I was an idiot. Thanks for helping me to grasp onto Jesus to help me up when I fall. Thank you for being His follower first and foremost. Thanks for Baylor. Thanks for never giving up and never letting me either. Thank you.

It seems so cliche to say that I can't think of a better dad. But I really can't. I don't know anyone who does this job as well as you. I am who I am because of your guidance and encouragement. Words can't describe how much you mean to me and how much I love you dad. Literally, I'm out of words. Thanks for running this race with me daddy.

I love you.