thanks for going to work every day. you work really hard. and thank you for being SO gracious about me not waking up when your alarm goes off. i know you always tell me that i don't need to at all, but a part of me feels bad to sleep in since i still have summer. and i just like to watch you get ready. you're handsome. 

thank you for listening to me. even when i have irrational fears that there are fleas infesting our house. thanks for also going to the store with me to get spray. thanks for helping me spray every surface of the house with said flea spray....just in case ;)

thanks for listening to my ideas. my personal fav...the poop dr. app (for humans). i think it's a really good idea. and you told me it was. you also gave me an idea for a second app. the poop vet (for animals). i think it would be very informational. hah. 

after seeing Monsters University last summer

thanks for telling me i don't look like a lizard even though my back and legs are peeling. also thanks for being there to always put sunscreen on my back. except for the time that resulted in the peeling mentioned above. 

thanks for acting interested when i talk about things that excite me. like decorating. i know you don't care. but then again you DO. because i do. you're a really good teammate. 

thanks for loving soccer before the world cup started. i guess this baseball-brain-washed-girl is starting to see why you love it so much. i still don't understand why someone would get a yellow card for fouling a goal keeper. i guess it's like their catcher like in baseball? maybe like why they put in all those rules because of what happened to buster posey?? 

thanks for being adorable. i mean, really. from your obsession with the royals, to your intense love of sweets (despite your diabetes), to your crazy awesome hair when you wake up, to your chaco tan line, to your incredibly green eyes, and to how excited you get when i care about sports.

you're pretty much the best. i love you.

crying is okay

one year.

i miss my dad. i watched his memorial video/slideshow last night and it opened the wound afresh. the wound i keep tightly covered with a bandaid every day, in fear that the sadness will overwhelm. i believe there is a balance...between the grief and choosing joy. yesterday i let myself feel the weight of grief, and i know it's okay. i felt so weak. i felt that i was weak to be so upset.

i cried because i don't remember his voice. i don't remember him telling me he loves me with his own voice. he used to always do that. "i love you kambly. i'm proud of you."

i cried because as i make decisions with my husband, i wish i could ask his opinion. i wish i could talk to him about saving for the future and living in the now. i wish he would tell me all the things he learned about money....just one more time.

i cried because i miss him and baseball. i miss him explaining things and cheering for teams that are no good.

i cried because life has moved on. people's lives have moved on. mine has in some ways, but also not. i still remember. and it is still fresh to me.

i cried because i don't feel like i'm his daughter anymore. i know i am, but i don't feel like it. it's been so long. i miss having a daddy. i miss an earthly daddy.

i cried out of anger. i hate that he won't be there in the hospital when i have my first child someday. i hate that he will never know that i want to give my child his name. i hate that he won't ever be able to hug me and cry tears of joy because of the beautiful human(s) that jesus will give me and ben someday. i hate that he won't be there. i feel angry he won't get to take care of my kids. i feel so angry he won't ever know how many kids ben and i will have or if we will adopt.

i cried out of envy. it's wrong to be jealous, i know. but i envy people who still have their dad to call, text, hug, love, cherish, send cards to, get angry at, or just be with.

i cried because even though it has only been a year, so many things are new in my life that he will never know about. our new apartment. our dog. my love to cook. our new goals. so many things began after he left.

i cried because i miss his love of food. i miss him taking me out to eat. i miss him getting sunflower seeds and drinking coke, my favorite. i miss him laughing at ben's silly jokes.

i cried ugly, BIG, nasty tears. and ben was there. and jesus was there. and they held me. i couldn't breathe.

no, it hasn't gotten easier. no, time hasn't made it better. no, i don't miss him less.

yes, jesus is still good! yes, i still have the hope He has given me! yes, He gives me peace every single day! yes, there are so many good things in my life! yes, i am happy!

to apey, laur and lads: thank you for saying, "i'll be there when you need me." and thank you for knowing when i need to be alone.
to my family: thank you for getting it.
to ben: thank you for holding me and never letting me go.
to jesus: thank you for your grace, you overwhelm me with your goodness and faithfulness every day. your love knows no limits.

it's a journey. it's healing to write about sometimes.

kambly

dearest husband.

my dear husband, 

what would I do without you. last night you gave me my valentine's present early. I love that about us. how we can NEVER wait till the actual holiday or birthday to give each other presents. it's our quirk. I also love that we kept our christmas tree up until the end of january. some people may call it lazy, I think it's because we wanted to stay in the dreamy holiday a bit longer. we love twinkly lights. 

last night you talked on the phone with one of your best friends. I love how you always, without fail, pace when you are on the phone. you do it when you brush your teeth too. 

last night you made pizza for us because I wasn't feeling good. I love that you accidentally left the cardboard under it so the dough was still mushy. you told me you liked it mushy. I love how you always like everything just a little chewy. I'd rather have it crispy. 

this morning you took fenway outside, like you always do, so that I could spend time with Jesus. only today, I didn't get to because I woke up so late. when you came back inside, your glasses were all fogged up. you're such a good puppy daddy. 

this morning you shaved your beard. I love when you shave. you always do it so sneaky-like as to see if i'll notice. 

this morning you made stuffed peppers and left them in the fridge so you could start them at lunch. you're a stuffed pepper pro. I really did marry up. 

today you came home to check on me at lunch since I left school sick. you tried to get ice skating on the computer for me because you know that's my favorite part of the olympics. you always help make me feel better. 

today you came home to me watching seven brides for seven brothers and talked to me about it. it's flipping awesome you have seen these kind of movies. 

you listened when I cried about missing my dad so much it hurts. you listened when I told you about every valentines he would give me a sparkly card and sign it with a heart around his name. it's been so hard lately. hurts to think about.

today we have clean laundry all over our bedroom. who knows if we will fold it tonight. 

right now you're in class. you are the hardest worker I know. it's not even because you work ridiculously hard, it's because you don't complain while doing it. while I sit and talk about how tired I am, you sit and listen even though you've worked just as many hours as me + school + job searching. 

I think you're a superhero. every day at school, I can't help but mention you, mr. belz. I tell my kids that you're my best friend. because you are. and they think it's weird. 

thanks for making every day memorable. 

love you.

kam

four months feels like a lifetime.

The past four months have felt so fast and yet so slow at the same time.  About 2 months ago, I wrote a letter to my dad. I obviously know that he won't ever hear or read it but it felt so nice to be able to say the things I wanted to. Ben really encouraged me to write the letter because I wanted to talk to my dad so badly. I read it again yesterday and just cried and cried in Ben's arms.

I told Ben it just hurts so much because I want to talk about it. I told him a story about how my friend at work, Jennifer, talks to me about my dad whenever I mention it. It is so completely refreshing to have someone who stays with you and talks with you instead of running away from the topic or simply avoiding the hardness. Ben is so good about this too. He is so completely content with staying with me in the sad place. He offers encouragement and he listens. He doesn't avoid. I avoid it enough! Ben told me that he knows that when I do talk about it, that it means I really want/need to talk about it. It's true. Usually if I bring something up, it's because I want to talk about the good memories I have. I am really thankful for the friend I've found in Jennifer. Jesus has brought me this friend. Even though she hasn't walked through much of life with me, she is ready to be there.

I've found that people are so ready to be there through instagram or facebook or twitter but when it comes to real life and real issues and messy things, they don't want it. They want the highlight real. They want the good stuff. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE THE GOOD STUFF!!! But I have just really thought about this lately. I think about how I am like this too sometimes. How silly and selfish it is. I want to be there for people. I want to be IN their life so I experience the joy or sadness. I want to be the type of friend Jesus was.

Speaking of Jesus, I was reading Luke 7 this morning. It talks about this woman and how she just wept, kissed and anointed His feet with perfume. I started crying with the image in my mind. Of Jesus' sweet face looking down on her. The forgiveness and love in His eyes and heart for her. I mean can you imagine how that woman felt? Ah! At church yesterday, everyone put a red dot on their phone to symbolize how Jesus says, "You belong." The same Jesus that looked upon that woman crying at Jesus' feet, is with me every moment of the day. He looks at me the same way as that woman. The look that tells me I am worthy of His love and acceptance. You are worthy too. You belong in His family just like me.

All this to say, I have felt hurt lately because I've kept so much of my grief inside. Despite the fact that I've not gotten to talk about the grief much, He's seen my grief and He heard my cries yesterday and today. I cry to Him and He understands. I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful that He is never afraid to deal with the mess. He wants me whole :)

"Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. 

If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. 

We love each other because he loved us first."

1 John 4:18-19

all that is within me.

Lately I've had so many thoughts. I realize this implies I don't typically think but it's like my mind has been on overload.

So many enlightening things. The past few months I've felt plagued with anxiety. I believe that this feeling is definitely a choice to give into. All that is within me has been straining and reaching. Grasping for something. Aching to cling onto something, anything that will sustain me. This has looked like a great deal of crying and reading scripture and screaming worship music. My times with Jesus have felt a sense of somberness. It's not necessarily sadness, more of a deep realization of my ache and need.

I've needed encouragement and I've needed comfort. I've ached for worthiness and a justification of grief or my feelings. I've compared my grief with others. I've compared my life with others. It stole my deep-seated joy. My joy became fleeting in a sense. Depending on moment to moment. The moments would pass and I would feel empty, not like myself. I know who I am. I know Kambly is a woman with contagious joy. I've felt it's been taken from time to time.

I believe the biggest culprit of my joy being stolen is comparison. Comparison STEALS my joy in a heartbeat.

Ben and I have talked about this COUNTLESS times since being married. Marriage has the beautiful ability of really bringing things to light sometimes. Can't hide joy being stolen. Can't hide horrible feelings of self-worth from your life partner. Love it.

It is completely ridiculous how I can be completely content with our life and then start down an instagram trail where I start thinking crazy loathful thoughts. I start to hate that I'm a teacher in a low income area. I start to hate that Ben is in school. I start to hate our small apartment. THAT IS NOT WHO I AM. It is not my identity. I love my job. I love that Ben is learning and making cool things happen in Waco/Baylor. I LOVE our comfy cozy apartment. And I like all the quirky decorations we have!

I realized while I was listening to Be Still by Bethel that my mind sometimes won't STOP (**ah the blessings of being a girl**). I start to look for areas and outlets to occupy my mind. I start to look for pretty pictures or things that create discontentment in my heart. Ben and I have been practicing over the last year of taking these obstacles away for periods of time (because I can't just go cold turkey forever, I like being in the know!! :) ). Sometimes we go on social media fasts. Lately we've started this new thing that I LOVE...Phone Free Fridays. The rules are simple: only using phone for direct contact with individuals. Example: "Hey, y'all want to go bowling?" No other things on the phone allowed! IT'S AWESOME. And it makes you realize how much you pick up your phone to do mindless things. Grrrrrrr. 

Long story short, I am in the practice of being still. 

And I like this quote:

"God won't try to speak over the noise in our lives. Rest is holy. We won't hear what we don't pause to listen for."--Love Does

Being still for me looks like this lately: choosing not to be anxious. getting up really early to relish in stillness. choosing to find joy in my job. having intentional connection time with my husband. not meeting up with a ton of people. listening to lots of music. crying about dad. laying in bed a few extra minutes to recognize the comfyness. lots of crying. lots of chai. cuddling with my stuffed bunny. letting Him win my heart. repeating Truth over and over. pampering. staring off into space. lavender vanilla fabric softener. candles. grieving.

be still my heart and know You are God alone. stop thinking so much. and just let go. be still my soul and rest. humbly I confess. in my weakness, Your strength is perfect. for You alone are God. there will be no other. and You have won my heart. more than any other. 

good to me.

I've been thinking about processing. Being an external processor, I feel like it's been very odd lately to do a lot of internal processing. I know that seasons of life are always changing and that sometimes you process differently in different seasons. Processing internally has made me feel more and more introverted. It's also helped me understand my husband better!

I have been thinking about the last 3.5 years and how my life has changed so many times. It makes me crave "normalcy." With Dad getting worse gradually, things were very painful. For so long, I couldn't talk about or dwell on the things so painful because it was too hard to be able to move forward. I don't think people realized all the things that Dad couldn't do towards the end. Every weekend I would come home was SO HARD for me physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I literally felt so drained every time. Lately I've been feeling guilty about that.

But I know that Jesus is the only reason I even got through that season.

Every weekend I would come home to help Dad. I would feed him baby food and milkshakes. Whenever he would eat, I would have to hold his head and his food because he couldn't hold his neck up. Most of the food, he couldn't swallow fully because his tongue didn't work right. A lot of the food would end up on the towel laid across his shirt. I can't express how painful this was for me. To be feeding my Dad and cleaning up his spit. I still felt like his child and this was my DAD slowly deteriorating. Dad would cry when he first started to lose abilities. He felt sad and embarrassed that we had to help him. Towards the end, he didn't feel like that much anymore.

The point of me talking about this is because it is completely strange coming home now and NOT doing this. Last year after rough weeks at school, coming home was so tiring for me. I sometimes feel so guilty because of the way I felt then. I wanted to help and be there and love my family, I just felt so scared and worn down sometimes. Now when I come home, I can just lay on the couch like "normal" people. It is so weird.

Dad was just the most humble man. I just keep thinking about how much pain he was in. How he never complained.

I know he is completely free of pain now. I know he is so happy!!! That gives me joy. I think of him in a place I can't even fathom and it brings me peace. I think about the last week we spent together. He was in a Hospice center so that his breathing and pain could stabilize. I read him the book God of the Impossible: The Healing of Anna Joy. I challenge you to read this if you are journeying through sickness or needing breakthrough in physical healing. This book is incredible. It speaks truth and has a list of verses to claim over yourself. SO ENCOURAGING.

I believe God is the same God of biblical times. He hasn't changed.

It is his CHARACTER to heal. Not once did Jesus refuse healing to a person who asked in the Bible. I'll have to expand on this later. I just love Jesus. He is so consistent. I know he wanted my Daddy well. I know it. You may think differently, but Jesus told me so. I fully believe that when I go to be with Him, I will see how my prayers/faith kept my Dad alive longer. I know I won't fully ever fully understand why my Dad passed away. But I sure as heck know it wasn't because "it was his time" or "Jesus needed him more than me." It is God's character to want children to have Fathers. Nevertheless, He is the Father to the fatherless. He is only good. He is good to me.

This song has brought me comfort the past days. I love how visible my seasons are sometimes. I have changed my playlist that I used to listen to before my Dad died. Most of the songs now on my playlist are about His love, goodness and grace. He comforts me in sorrowful times.

the foxes in the vineyard WILL NOT STEAL my joy. because You are good to me, good to me. 

faster life.

Life has looked a lot differently lately. I have less time to spend in my thoughts during my day and process things. I started school with my kids on Tuesday and I love them already!!!

On the first day of school I shared with them about how my Dad had died this summer. I cherished their faces. Those faces that have seen just as much/more grief than me. I told them that if Mrs. Belz every looked sad it was because she was missing her Dad and she will be okay in a little bit! One of the reasons I love my job so much is because I have SO many different roles as a teacher. I felt like a counselor in that moment. Those people who are teachers get the many roles we play :)

It felt good to talk about my Dad to my sweet littles. I haven't had much of a chance lately to talk about my Dad. Life has gotten faster. People don't ask much anymore. What this does is make me feel like people have forgotten. I was thinking about this the other day because I told a friend I felt like people had forgotten about my Dad. What I really meant was that I feel like people have forgotten the pain I feel about Dad. That it still hasn't gone away. That I am still going through this and need people now more than ever. That's the thing with life, things move on. I suppose that sounds selfish.

As I feel people moving on, I am drawn back to remember that the only person who really understands and cares about how I feel 24/7 is Jesus. I'll be honest, sometimes I get so angry! I feel angry sometimes because I want to be heard. I want to talk about things. I want to cry and let it out! I have been talking about my Dad so much lately to Ben. Ben recently started a to play in a men's soccer league in Waco and it reminds me so much of when I was younger and my Dad used to play in a Softball league. I remember him being so active and FUN! Ben reminds me so much of my Dad in so many ways. I've also been remembering my Dad's scent before he got sick. If you know me, you know I love smells! My Dad used to smell of leather, mint and his cologne :) Every day after work he would feel so cold because his car's AC would be on FULL blast. I would hug his still-crisp work shirt and he would always smell the same :)

I miss that. I really miss him. I have a picture of my Dad and me on my door in the classroom. I LOVE that my students ask me about him. They think I am so ridiculous because I haven't put a picture in the locket he gave me. They are so cute and LITTLE!! I suppose I am just really appreciative of my kids this week. They have been able to minister to my heart in a unique way. Jesus really is faithful. He knows I was feeling lonely in that way. I just really miss my Daddy. I really do.

Me and Daddy in 2009 at a Baylor baseball game.