A Year Ago

One year ago today my Daddy was diagnosed with ALS. I can't believe it's been a whole year!! If someone were to ask me to sum up this crazy year in one word, it would be growth.

I feel like I have grown so much in this past year. In one year I have cried more than I have the past 20 years combined. In one year I have read more of the Bible than ever. I have been confused, frustrated, sad, encouraged, joyful, happy, loved and scared. I have felt as if I have been on a roller-coaster more times than I can count. I have watched my Dad fall on his face. I have watched him take action on his faith and walk on the treadmill.

I feel like this year has been the most amazing and ridiculously hard year I have ever experienced. How interesting that those two adjectives could describe the same experience! I'll tell you the story of my Junior year: My first semester of school after finding out that my dad had ALS was the most heartbreaking time. I felt like I was constantly on the verge of tears. It is/was the worst feeling. I got to the point where I was so frustrated with God. I remember vividly one time screaming in my car, "THERE IS NO POINT TO PRAY TO YOU AND ASK FOR PEACE BECAUSE YOU AREN'T DOING ANYTHING TO HELP MY DAD!!!!!" Man, was I wrong. About two weeks after that we got a christmas present. What a blessing. I have seen financial blessing in my life countless times, but nothing like this (funny how I have to re-learn this every time there is financial stress in our family). Over the next few weeks, I finally took my mom's advice to listen to some sermons. The man speaking talked about concepts so foreign to me. That we are already blessed, and that ultimately God wants us to be happy and blessed in this life. If you have time I HIGHLY recommend these sermons. With the help of those podcasts, and God's word, my spiritual life has been transformed (and continues to be).  From that point forward, I began to receive revelation that God not only didn't bring this sickness upon my dad, but that he hates it. Sickness is not from Him. Sickness is a curse, never intended for us. I began to have hope. I am sure my roommates can attest to this because I became less of a weepy wreck, to more of a delver in the Word or a searcher of Truth. Life felt like less of a hopeless journey with phrases like. "just make it through this hard time," to more of a battle! A battle. My second semester was spent winning and losing battles. But friends, I want to emphasize this: I beyond a shadow of a doubt KNOW that Jesus did not want this disease for my father. I KNOW that He hates that we suffer. I KNOW this isn't just something that I am going through to learn something. Yes, I will learn. And yes, I have. But that doesn't mean HE did this. This subject is so deep, and I definitely don't know near as much as there is to know, but I do know that I am learning. I do know that I have more hope and joy in my life because I know more now than I did that GOD LOVES ME. So immensely. And because of this, He would never do something to hurt me. Would you want to hurt someone you LOVED more than anything else? Now multiply that times a million bazillion. Yep, pretty sure He wouldn't ever want to see me suffer. 


Friends, this journey has been hard. Such a journey. I have been so encouraged and blessed by so many of you. Thanks. I know that some of the things I said may not make much sense because I have a hard time articulating things but I would love to talk in person if anyone wants! Just remember this right now because it is what I cling onto every day: 


You are loved. You are WONDERFUL.