I've been thinking about processing. Being an external processor, I feel like it's been very odd lately to do a lot of internal processing. I know that seasons of life are always changing and that sometimes you process differently in different seasons. Processing internally has made me feel more and more introverted. It's also helped me understand my husband better!

I have been thinking about the last 3.5 years and how my life has changed so many times. It makes me crave "normalcy." With Dad getting worse gradually, things were very painful. For so long, I couldn't talk about or dwell on the things so painful because it was too hard to be able to move forward. I don't think people realized all the things that Dad couldn't do towards the end. Every weekend I would come home was SO HARD for me physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I literally felt so drained every time. Lately I've been feeling guilty about that.

But I know that Jesus is the only reason I even got through that season.

Every weekend I would come home to help Dad. I would feed him baby food and milkshakes. Whenever he would eat, I would have to hold his head and his food because he couldn't hold his neck up. Most of the food, he couldn't swallow fully because his tongue didn't work right. A lot of the food would end up on the towel laid across his shirt. I can't express how painful this was for me. To be feeding my Dad and cleaning up his spit. I still felt like his child and this was my DAD slowly deteriorating. Dad would cry when he first started to lose abilities. He felt sad and embarrassed that we had to help him. Towards the end, he didn't feel like that much anymore.

The point of me talking about this is because it is completely strange coming home now and NOT doing this. Last year after rough weeks at school, coming home was so tiring for me. I sometimes feel so guilty because of the way I felt then. I wanted to help and be there and love my family, I just felt so scared and worn down sometimes. Now when I come home, I can just lay on the couch like "normal" people. It is so weird.

Dad was just the most humble man. I just keep thinking about how much pain he was in. How he never complained.

I know he is completely free of pain now. I know he is so happy!!! That gives me joy. I think of him in a place I can't even fathom and it brings me peace. I think about the last week we spent together. He was in a Hospice center so that his breathing and pain could stabilize. I read him the book God of the Impossible: The Healing of Anna Joy. I challenge you to read this if you are journeying through sickness or needing breakthrough in physical healing. This book is incredible. It speaks truth and has a list of verses to claim over yourself. SO ENCOURAGING.

I believe God is the same God of biblical times. He hasn't changed.

It is his CHARACTER to heal. Not once did Jesus refuse healing to a person who asked in the Bible. I'll have to expand on this later. I just love Jesus. He is so consistent. I know he wanted my Daddy well. I know it. You may think differently, but Jesus told me so. I fully believe that when I go to be with Him, I will see how my prayers/faith kept my Dad alive longer. I know I won't fully ever fully understand why my Dad passed away. But I sure as heck know it wasn't because "it was his time" or "Jesus needed him more than me." It is God's character to want children to have Fathers. Nevertheless, He is the Father to the fatherless. He is only good. He is good to me.

This song has brought me comfort the past days. I love how visible my seasons are sometimes. I have changed my playlist that I used to listen to before my Dad died. Most of the songs now on my playlist are about His love, goodness and grace. He comforts me in sorrowful times.

the foxes in the vineyard WILL NOT STEAL my joy. because You are good to me, good to me. 

faster life.

Life has looked a lot differently lately. I have less time to spend in my thoughts during my day and process things. I started school with my kids on Tuesday and I love them already!!!

On the first day of school I shared with them about how my Dad had died this summer. I cherished their faces. Those faces that have seen just as much/more grief than me. I told them that if Mrs. Belz every looked sad it was because she was missing her Dad and she will be okay in a little bit! One of the reasons I love my job so much is because I have SO many different roles as a teacher. I felt like a counselor in that moment. Those people who are teachers get the many roles we play :)

It felt good to talk about my Dad to my sweet littles. I haven't had much of a chance lately to talk about my Dad. Life has gotten faster. People don't ask much anymore. What this does is make me feel like people have forgotten. I was thinking about this the other day because I told a friend I felt like people had forgotten about my Dad. What I really meant was that I feel like people have forgotten the pain I feel about Dad. That it still hasn't gone away. That I am still going through this and need people now more than ever. That's the thing with life, things move on. I suppose that sounds selfish.

As I feel people moving on, I am drawn back to remember that the only person who really understands and cares about how I feel 24/7 is Jesus. I'll be honest, sometimes I get so angry! I feel angry sometimes because I want to be heard. I want to talk about things. I want to cry and let it out! I have been talking about my Dad so much lately to Ben. Ben recently started a to play in a men's soccer league in Waco and it reminds me so much of when I was younger and my Dad used to play in a Softball league. I remember him being so active and FUN! Ben reminds me so much of my Dad in so many ways. I've also been remembering my Dad's scent before he got sick. If you know me, you know I love smells! My Dad used to smell of leather, mint and his cologne :) Every day after work he would feel so cold because his car's AC would be on FULL blast. I would hug his still-crisp work shirt and he would always smell the same :)

I miss that. I really miss him. I have a picture of my Dad and me on my door in the classroom. I LOVE that my students ask me about him. They think I am so ridiculous because I haven't put a picture in the locket he gave me. They are so cute and LITTLE!! I suppose I am just really appreciative of my kids this week. They have been able to minister to my heart in a unique way. Jesus really is faithful. He knows I was feeling lonely in that way. I just really miss my Daddy. I really do.

Me and Daddy in 2009 at a Baylor baseball game. 

oceans.

It's been a whole month since my Daddy went to Jesus. Oh how I miss him so. I miss his hands a lot of the time. I'm not sure why. I guess because a big portion of my childhood was spent coming back to holding his hand.

I think about how I'm an adult now. How I have a real job and have real responsibilities. I think about how Dad and Mom helped to prepare me to be a wife. I question lately if I'm ready to be an adult. Having him gone makes me anxious sometimes because I can't ask him any advice or questions anymore. I don't remember questioning this before I got married. I have been thinking about this point a lot. What if my car breaks down? Who will I ask? What about investments? What about when Ben and I want to buy a house someday? What about when we name our first child? Are Ben and I doing a good job and being wise? These questions are ones I wish I had the ability to ask my Dad.

I just MISS him. It's an aching feeling, not always painful, just an ache. Really hard to describe. The best way to describe it is like an ocean. With waves coming in I feel overwhelmed with sadness or missing or anger. Mainly sadness. It hits me like the tide. I don't expect it sometimes. I watched the memorial slideshow for the first time on Friday. I thought to myself, "Kambly, you've already seen it, you won't cry at all!" Oops. Fail. Of course I sobbed. Combo of the pics and the songs. The tide crashed into my soul and squeezed out all my emotions. You just feel dry after these things. Kinda like sand I suppose. I feel raw and drained after I weep. It's healing almost.

Like every situation that is sad, there is also GOOD. Jesus is so incredibly faithful. When the tide draws back, I continue to feel restored. Songs and scripture have really ministered to me lately. I LOVE MUSIC. I love to sing, I don't care if I sing well. I just love it. Every time the waves go back into the ocean, I feel Jesus build me up again. I feel stronger than I did before. The current is strong. I can see myself being shaped in the sand. I can feel it. I am a Woman of Faith. I never thought this before...I do now. I am a woman of strong emotion. Jesus loves me for this. He loves the way I feel and express it. He's told me so many times that it is OKAY to look differently when I grieve. I am a beautiful painting. With strong and vivid colors. My life is plastered upon the canvas. You can see the mountains Jesus and I have climbed. You can see the pits I've dwelled before. He was there too. I see the painting alive with color, so vibrant. Jesus calls to me with colors and music. He shows me that I am a work of art. I am worth spending time on. I am worth knowing.

My Dad used to always tell me towards the end of his life that I was "awesome." It became his word to say. I cried as I watched this video from a few months ago. Dad couldn't speak for a while, but he always mouthed what he wanted to communicate. In this video he says, "I love you Kambly. You're awesome."

He always loved so well. I miss him telling me that. Also- I have found so much comfort in this song lately. Listen. 

Psalms 42:7-8 (NLT)
"I hear the tumult of the raging seas as your waves and surging tides sweep over me. But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life."


Psalm 93:3-4 (MSG)
"Sea storms are up, God,
Sea storms wild and roaring,
Sea storms with thunderous breakers.

Stronger than wild sea storms,
Mightier than sea-storm breakers,
Mighty God rules from High Heaven."

as of late.

Going through something hard is such an interesting thing. Most people don't know what to do or say to people who have lost someone or are going through something. I have found, the BEST thing for you to do for someone you love that is struggling is to ask them, "How can I be there for you right now?" It pretty much works in every circumstance!

Oh my goodness. If people who love me asked me that whenever they thought about me or my Dad, it would be such a blessing!! I completely understand that people don't know what to say sometimes. I have been there! And I don't think I handled things in the best way. I thought that those people wouldn't want to talk about it so I shouldn't ask. Wrong! One thing I have learned though, is that asking the best approach, in my opinion. Sometimes I don't want to talk about how I'm doing. Sometimes I want to cry. Sometimes I just need hugs. Sometimes I need quality time. Sometimes I want to be distracted. Sometimes I want to go somewhere. With this situation, I feel like it's different most of the time. Every day could be different! If I don't want to talk about it, I will say it! I cannot tell you how much it means to me when people who really care about me, ask me what they can do for me right now. I realize that not everyone knew my Dad and feels the acute loss that I feel. But I know they care about me and how I'm doing. I'm not really okay, to be honest. It's really hard when random people ask me how I'm doing and I feel like I have to pretend I'm okay and not cry, when that's all I want to do. I know I don't have to be okay. But I still feel like people expect me to be. It's hard to explain! With that being said, I am SO thankful that this isn't consuming me. It really isn't, thanks to Jesus. He is so faithful to be with me during the joyful times as well as the times of hurt.

A hard part of losing my Dad is watching people's lives move on from it. I know it sounds selfish, but it's so painful to watch other people sometimes when you feel the LOSS of someone you love so much. I do feel the loss. I miss my Dad's emails. I miss his smile and his face so much. I miss his hands. I miss feeding him and hugging him. I miss his voice. Sometimes it really hits me, especially at big events. Other times I don't think about it. I can push it out of my mind. When I am alone, or with Ben, I feel like I can actually be sad with the tears spilling over instead of being contained. That's when I let the sadness in and don't try to push it away. No, I am not always sad with Ben haha, we always have fun together. I just mean I am so comfortable being myself around him. I'm so thankful for grace.

I don't really know the purpose of this post but to express my feelings as of late. And to say thank you to those people who ask what I need from them right now. If you do ask me, I'll try to tell you as best I can. Sometimes, it's just a chai hehe :)

one week.

It's been a week since my Dad went to go see Jesus. It's been a crazy week. A painful week.

I want to write about how amazing my Dad is. I think I will do snippets gradually. One of the hardest things about my Dad being gone is having to talk in the past tense. I HATE IT SO MUCH. So I'm not going to right now.

Wednesday was the Memorial Service for my Dad and it was SO AMAZING. Don't get me wrong, it was extremely painful and sad....but it was so joyful as well. My family and I wanted it to be a celebration of Dad's life. Of the incredible encouragement he has always and will always be to everyone. Bobby (the one who married Ben and I) was the one who spoke at Dad's graveside and memorial. My goodness Jesus answered my prayers specifically with the words Bobby spoke. Some things I don't think I even prayed for, but Jesus knew what I wanted and needed.

I wish I could fully express the way my heart felt those hours on July 3rd. Jesus is so sweet to know exactly what each of my family members needed to hear. I am so grateful that I have a life with Jesus. I can't imagine how people feel when their Dad dies and they have no Hope.

My Jesus knows my sensitive and tender heart. He has held me so close the past few weeks. It makes me cry to thing how comforting He has been. He gave me the best friends in the world. It is incredible how much a community can affect your life. Those people know who they are. They dropped everything to make sure I was okay, to do anything to give comfort, to show tangibly how they love me. It's so hard to explain the way my soul felt this past week. I mean, THANK YOU JESUS. He is so gracious and SO loving. As I write, I just cry because He is so good.

I'm not an expert on the grieving process. I do know that there has been a sense of grief the past 3.5 years my Dad has been sick but it doesn't compare to this. It's been messy and raw. I go through waves almost. Happiness, sadness, joy, heart-breaking pain, longing, and contentment. I know it's necessary. It helps to write now. I haven't had much alone time, or rest-time. This helps.

I don't know what this blog will look like in the coming months. I am just bursting at the seems right now to tell everyone that HE IS FAITHFUL. He keeps showing me that, so sweetly. I trust Him. I really do. I feel so close to my family. We have a bond that can't be broken! And I am so thankful for my husband, I love him so much.

If Dad was here right now, I know he'd tell me: "You're awesome. You're beautiful. I love you."

I miss him so much. I know he's just sitting at Jesus' feet right now praising Him. What a crazy picture!

married one year.

Happy 1 Year Anniversary to my Ben.

I can't believe a whole year has gone by. I always talk to people about how marriage is the BEST. I really do believe that!!!

This year has been the best year of my life. I can't imagine what life would be like if Jesus didn't give me Ben. I look back to when I first met Ben and didn't realize that God had a hand in it then, but I so do now. 

first night we met.

3 years ago I met a joyful, fun, and crazy dancer named Ben Belz. I remember the first time I saw him I thought, "Well he's kinda cute." I thought he was cute in a mysterious yet teddy-bear like way. I met him in April of my Sophomore year. I had just gone through a break up and WAS NOT looking for anyone to like. We went to an animated movie and then a dance party (so indicative of our life together now). I remember thinking that he was so peaceful and yet so happy at the same time. I remember wanting to be around him. He had a confidence about him that I lacked so greatly. Being around Ben was like being closer to Jesus, my Spirit felt so lifted. During this time, I was wrecked emotionally. Not many people knew how broken my heart was. I was so worried because my Dad was starting to slur his speech, we knew something was wrong, but not what. I felt insecure. I felt alone. I was clinging onto Jesus with every ounce that was within me because I felt so desperate. Over the next few months, Ben and I would talk occasionally or hang out with a group of people. During this time, we gradually learned a little more about what was happening with my Dad. 

During that summer, Ben and I talked ALL the time. We would text and skype. I remember thinking to myself, "Why do I feel so drawn to him? Why do I feel like I should share about the situation with my Dad? Why do I feel like I'm supposed to talk to him more and more?" I remember sharing the situation with Ben about Dad and how scared I was to find out what was going on. I knew he would pray for me. Not in a flippant way, but truly pray in earnest. Later I found out that Ben was so moved by me sharing everything and so moved by my family's situation that he cried with his friends about it. He is such a compassionate man. 

The next few months after we found out my Dad had Lou Gehrig's disease, Ben pursued me relentlessly. I refused so many times even though I had this feeling in my Spirit that I was supposed to be with him. It is so hard to explain even to this day. I did not want to date Ben. But I knew I was supposed to? Ben was so faithful. Waiting patiently for my heart to figure things out. Waiting patiently for me to say "yes" to God. Waiting while I struggled and was angry about my Dad's diagnosis. Ben was ALWAYS there. When we did start officially dating, it finally felt so right. Immediately we became so close. Most couples take longer to progress to emotional levels like we did in just a few short months. I think it had to do with what was happening outside our relationship! I remember I knew that I loved him when he met my family and my Dad for the first time (I've always wanted a husband like my Dad). I remember the way he interacted with my family. So patient and loving. So caring and tender. 

Over the past 3 years that I've known Ben Belz, I've become more convinced how like Jesus he is. I've never been more convinced as I am now that Ben was the one man meant for me. Jesus knew what I needed. He placed Ben in my life in one of the most difficult seasons and has brought us through together. It is so sweet to know that Ben has seen it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I mean what other 24 year old would be willing to shower his Father-in-Law, or hug his Mother-in-Law when she cries. Benjamin Belz has the most loving heart I know. I have never felt so completely loved and cherished by anyone besides the Lord. He consistently communicates Truth. 

I don't know what I would do without the love of my life. Being in love with someone like Ben has caused me to grow so much. I see Jesus differently when I'm with Ben. I watch someone serve and lead SO selflessly. The way Ben loves others teaches me so much. How faithful and loyal he is. How honest and respectful he is. He loves like Jesus....relentlessly and unabashedly. 

Ben, you are the love of my life. I am so much more in love with you today, than a year ago. You are my greatest friend and ally. You encourage me. You love me. You support and lead me so well. The vows I wrote one year ago, I pledge to you again :)

My Beloved,

one year ago.

Today in front of our Jesus, family and friends,

I promise to love you in every season of our lives,

I choose to walk this path together forever,

Just like Ruth in the Bible I say: Where you go, I’ll go. Where you stay, I’ll stay.

I will continually commit to honor, respect, and cherish you,

I promise to always make sure you take care of your diabetes, and I will care for you as I care for my own body.

After praying and waiting for the One God had for me, I have worn this purity ring for 10 years and today I symbolically give it to you, I give you myself fully. I will keep myself only for you as long as we live.

I promise to remain faithful to you my Ben. I commit to seek Jesus while loving you. I choose to throw off all other entanglements and run hard after Jesus beside you. I set my goal in life to please both God and you in all things.

I promise to tenderly serve you, support, and stand by you all our days.

It is my joy to embrace this wonderful life with you my best friend.

Obviously the purity ring part is invalid now. Been there done that haha! I love you so much, my wonderful husband. You are my best friend. 

Your wife,

Kambly

thankful list.

Sometimes when I feel the tendency to be ungrateful is far outweighing my tendency to appreciate, I try to make a thankful list. I struggle with comparing myself to others. It's something I've become very aware about myself lately. I don't know why I do it. I compare my looks, my friendships, my marriage and my things. It just KILLS me. Once I start, it is almost as if I can't stop. I dig myself deeper and deeper until it feels as if I am at the bottom of a huge well. There the rope is too short for me to reach and pull myself out. Sometimes, if I am not too self-absorbed, I look around at the bottom and I see that Jesus is standing there with me. I ask Him for help and He invites me to stand on His shoulders so I can reach the rope. He helps me CHOOSE to get out of the well. Even though I know He's there with me, it's so hard for me to choose to get out of the darkness sometimes! In an effort to truly relish in thankfulness, I am going to list some things I'm thankful for :)

I'm thankful for...

1. Ben
2. my family
3. 11 months of marriage with my best friend
4. 9 year old hands holding mine
5. people calling me "Mrs. Belz"
6. being debt-free
7. my car, Suzi :)
8. my necklace Dad gave me on my wedding day
9. my Bible app
10. our down comforter
11. flowers in our home
12. peanut butter cookies
13. hugs that last long
14. smiles that light the room
15. my wedding ring
16. chai
17. Ben
18. my BU tervis
19. humidity making my hair curl
20. shampoo that smells like heaven 
21. talks with Mom
22. our apartment looking over the river
23. waco
24. our church
25. Truth
26. no babies yet
27. new married friends
28. encouraging texts
29. anniversary trip planning
30. my job
31. my phone
32. snapchat hehe
33. slurpees
34. drives with Ben
35. skies prettier than paint
36. late nights with friends
37. Ben
38. working with Sarah
39. jean shorts
40. my computer
41. having a sexy husband
42. dance with Dad at our wedding
43. SUMMER
44. colors
45. felt tipped pens
46. washer and dryer
47. grace
48. nail polish
49. emojis
50. JESUS. thank you Lord.

It feels good to speak thankfulness over yourself. I am thankful.